Ah, the Anti-Joke. Defying conventional humor with anti-climactic non-punchlines, and yet still managing to tickle our funny bones. Some say that Anti-Jokes are underappreciated, but that’s definitely not true on this page. We hope you’ll enjoy this feast of dry humor and deadpan delivery as much as we enjoyed putting it together!
The Classics
Some of the most popular joke set-ups ever have received the Anti-Joke treatment…
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Somehow it had escaped from the farm and was just wandering around for several hours.
Which came first, the chicken or the egg?
Most likely the egg, because even dinosaurs laid eggs millions of years ago.
I have a mouth but cannot talk. I have feet but cannot walk. What am I?
A riddle.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road? The chicken couldn’t because it hadn’t evolved yet.
A horse wanders into a bar, and the bartender asks, “Why the long face?”
The horse, not understanding the question, unloads excrement on the floor of the bar and then leaves.
Why was six afraid of seven?
It was not afraid. Numbers are not capable of feeling fear because they are not sentient.
A man walks into a bar. Then he orders a drink and waits for his drink to be served.
A bear walked into a bar. Seeing that, several people got up and left as they recognized the potential danger of the situation.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks, “Why the long face?”
The horse says, “It’s a result of the evolutionary process.”
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A deer. The absence of eyes does not alter the animal’s species.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
The crossing happened entirely by chance because chickens do not have the capacity to reason.
What do you call 100 realtors at the bottom of the sea?
A tragic boating accident.
How many Germans do you need to change a lightbulb?
One. They’re generally very efficient.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall… And a pretty decent spring and summer too.
Knock, knock. Who’s there? To. To who? No, it should be “to whom.”
Take your age and add four to it. That will be your age in four years.
Roses are dead. Violets are dead. I am not the best gardener.
Animal Anti-Jokes
Animals tend to feature heavily in Anti-Jokes because their way of being- completely at one with their own nature- make them a perfect foil for the anti-joke’s matter-of-fact yet still-surprising punchlines…
When birds fly in a V formation, why is one side usually longer than the other?
Because there are more birds on that side.
Why did the dinosaur eat the iPhone?
He couldn’t have. Modern technology appeared long after dinosaurs were extinct.
Why did the toucan fall out of the tree? Because it had passed out.
Why did the mice eat the cookies? The mice were hungry.
Why couldn’t the owl screw the lightbulb in? Because owls do not have hands.
Why did the swan hiss?
Biologically, swans have adapted to make a hissing sound when they are threatened.
What did one ant say to the other ant?
Nothing, they communicate by pheromones, so they do not speak.
What do you call a pigeon that doesn’t know its way back home? A pigeon.
Why do flamingos stand on one leg? If they lifted up their other leg, they would fall over.
Why do you never see elephants hiding behind trees? Because they’re very good at it.
Why can’t T-Rex clap? Because dinosaurs have been extinct for millions of years.
What’s white and black and eats like a horse? A zebra.
How does a kangaroo jump higher than the average bus?
A kangaroo has rather powerful hind legs and the average bus cannot jump.
Why can’t dinosaurs laugh? Because they all died long ago.
Where do snow leopards vote? I did not know that snow leopards participated in democracy.
What did one mosquito say to the other? “I want this vein; you can have the next one.”
What did the raccoon say to the other? “Does my breath smell like I’ve been eating trash?”
Why did the eagle say “hello” to its prey? Because he was a polite eagle.
What do you call all of these talking animals? Fictional.
Anti-Jokes in the Wild Pt. I
Animals, celebrities, historical events, or the solar system; no sphere of life is safe from the Anti-Joke…
Where did the signing of the Constitution take place? At the bottom.
What do you call someone who is on the moon?
An astronaut.
You’ll never guess my grandfather’s last words before he kicked the bucket.
He said, “Hey kiddo, how high do you think I can kick this bucket?”
Why do we dress baby girls in pink and baby boys in blue?
Because they are incapable of dressing themselves.
What do you call a man with a hammer in his head?
An ambulance, as he clearly has a very serious head wound.
What’s yellow and something you should avoid eating? A taxi.
What’s red and not good for your teeth? A brick.
What’s slightly worse than seeing a worm in your apple? Seeing two worms in your apple.
Why does Kelis’ milkshake bring all the boys to the yard? Because she always makes really good milkshakes.
How do you confuse a blonde? You say something that will confuse her.
Why are there no Amish people on Uranus? Uranus cannot support human life.
Why did Sarah stay home from the party? Because she was not invited.
Why did the girl drop her ice cream cone? She tripped and it slipped out of her hand.
What did the gorilla and the pancake have in common? They both love bananas.
What can you do over and over again but not remember doing? Get blind drunk.
A patient told the surgeon that he couldn’t feel his legs. “I know,” the surgeon replied, “It was your arms that I amputated.”
Two blueberry muffins are in an oven. One says to the other, “Sheesh, it’s really hot in here.”
The other replies, “Yeah, probably around 350 degrees.”
How is a bar of soap similar to your dreams? They both slip away easily.
What do Olympic sprinters eat before a big race? Nothing, they fast.
Do you want to know what keeps me sane? Red wine.
What did the man give to his girlfriend on Valentine’s Day? Something flowers and a pack of lies.
Why did the boys in the movie theater get shouted at? They were talking too loudly.
Why do I talk to myself? Because sometimes it helps to think out loud.
Guess what I saw today. Everything that passed before my eyes.
They Said What?
If you were somehow transported into an Anti-Joke in real life, you wouldn’t actually know it, because everyone would be saying the same thing that they would in that real-life scenario…
What did the stranger say to another stranger on the bus? Nothing. They did not know each other.
What did the man from Georgia say to the man from Connecticut?
“We’re both American but come from different states.”
What did one cannibal say to the other after they finished eating a jester?
“We could get in serious trouble for this.”
What did one Italian say to the other Italian? I’m not sure; I don’t speak Italian.
What did the man say when he lost his truck? “Hey, where’s my truck?”
What did the cowboy say when he attended his second rodeo? “This ain’t my first rodeo”
What did the intern say to the other intern at the coffee machine? “Coffee smells good.”
What did the egg-fried rice say to the shrimp? Nothing. Rice cannot speak.
What did the plumber say to the vocalist? “Hey, nice pipes.”
What did the fist say to the face? Nothing. Fists cannot speak.
What did one surgeon say to the other surgeon? “Nice to meet a fellow surgeon”
What did the French Guy say to the other French Guy? Je m’appelle Guy aussi.
The One-Liner
These one-liners are all about timing and delivery… A bit like a delivery that needs to be made on time.
Every minute, 60 seconds go by.
Mary had a little lamb, and the obstetrician had never seen such a thing in all his professional years.
You can pick your friends and pick your nose… But you cannot pick someone’s pocket. That is theft.
You can tell a lot about a woman’s mood from her hands. For example, if she’s pointing a weapon at you, she’s not happy with you.
Now I ain’t sayin’ she a gold digger… However, she did move to California in 1849 which coincided with the Gold Rush.
Fun fact: If you took all the veins in your body and laid them out end to end, you would no longer be alive.
If a tree falls in the woods and nobody is around to hear it… Then my illegal logging company will do very well indeed.
You can’t trust an atom. They make up everything.
A monkey walks into a bar and orders a banana martini. The bartender finds this very strange until he realizes he is dreaming.
I told my best friend that her eyebrows were drawn on too high. She looked surprised at this.
I told my husband to stop being so immature. He told me to get out of his fort.
I broke my finger last week. On the other hand, my fingers are all ok.
When we were young, we were afraid of the dark. Now that we’re grown-ups, the electric bill makes us afraid of the light.
This girl told me to come over to her house because nobody was home. When I arrived, nobody was home.
An atom walked into a bar. Nobody noticed because atoms are minuscule and everywhere.
My friend said to me, “What rhymes with orange?” And I said, “No, it doesn’t!”
Learning how to collect litter was not difficult. I picked it up as I went along.
Anti-Anti-Jokes
Some people take the Anti-Joke too far. Lucky for them, Anti-Jokes are not sentient and they do not care how far they are taken. And so, we end up with Anti-Anti-Jokes, like these…
How long does it take you to count up to 100? I don’t care.
How is a laser beam similar to a goldfish? Neither one can whistle.
Why are hamsters like cigars? They’re rather harmless until you put one in your mouth and set it alight.
What do a banana and a frisbee have in common? Both of them are not cops.
What’s the difference between a meerkat and a grape? They’re both purple, except the meerkat isn’t.
What do a turkey and a tricycle have in common? They both have handlebars… except for the turkey.
What does a horse have in common with a peach? Nothing. They are unalike in almost every way.
How do you confuse someone? Paint yourself green and throw forks at them.
Anti-Jokes in the Wild Pt. II
Ultimately, the Anti-Joke will never die… It’s there like your shadow whenever you perform a mundane everyday task or use your capacity for recall to subconsciously identify a common fruit. Underneath every joke is an Anti-Joke; less showy than the former but oh so reliable when it counts. And so without further ado, take us home, Anti-Joke, take us home…
How do you wake up Cardi B?
Ensure that her alarm clock is set for the appropriate time each morning.
What are blue, purple, green, pink, and orange? The names of colors.
How can you tell if it’s warm outside?
You can go outside and feel the temperature, or use a modern weather app.
When did the astronaut who got detached from the spacecraft return? He didn’t. He will float forever.
Did you hear about the fire down at the circus? It was in tents
Do you want to know what will make you smile? Your facial muscles.
What would you call a pencil sharpener that cannot sharpen pencils?
A broken pencil sharpener.
What’s sticky and brown? A stick.
Can I tell you something that’s really odd? All of the numbers that are indivisible by two.
What’s white, loud, dangerous, and annoying at dinner time? An avalanche nearby.
What’s funny about four people in a Jeep driving over a cliff edge? Nothing. Those were my friends.
Why isn’t there a Meijer in the Amazon rainforest?
Because it is not practical to sell pharmaceuticals and other goods in the largely unpopulated rainforest.
What happened after 1984? 1985.
How tall is Mt Kilimanjaro? As tall as Mt Kilimanjaro.
What’s the difference between paper and Brussels sprouts?
No one likes eating Brussels sprouts.
What do you call a medical student that graduated bottom of their class?
Doctor.
What’s green and has curtains?
Grass, except it doesn’t have curtains.
Have you seen Stevie Wonder’s house?
It’s actually furnished extremely tastefully.
How do you empty a pool full of Australians?
Politely but firmly tell them that they need to get out of the pool.
If an orange is called an orange, why isn’t a lemon called a yellow?
Because a lemon is called a lemon.
What’s green and smells like red paint?
Green paint.
Why isn’t Elizabeth II a good train driver?
Because she recently passed away and deceased people are not capable of operating trains.
Why did the coach tell Chloe that she was wearing too much makeup?
Because Chloe was wearing more makeup than necessary.
Why did Shawn get sick after he ate too much ice cream? Shawn is lactose intolerant.
How do you get someone to stop swinging on a tire swing? Cut the rope.
What do you call a pretty lady on the arm of a rock star? A tattoo.
What did the two sorority sisters do at their first college party? They had a really good time.
What’s so good about living in Switzerland? Nothing, although the flag is a plus.
How does a dad joke sound in space? As unfunny as it sounds here on earth.
Why did the postman die? Everybody dies eventually.
