Dirty jokes are fun to tell when you’re with the guys, but a lot less fun when your girlfriend walks in. Not to worry! We have browsed the web to find the 100 best and dirtiest jokes and memes that are safe to share with the lady in your life. In the words of Marvin Gaye, “Let’s get it on”:
Dirty Jokes for Her
She was shouting, “Give it to me! Give it to me! I’m so wet, give it to me now!” But I couldn’t hear her from under the umbrella.
What’s the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist? A genealogist will inspect the family tree, a gynecologist will inspect the family bush.
What do you call an inexpensive circumcision? A bloody rip-off!
What do a pen*s and a Rubik’s Cube have in common? The more you touch it, the harder it gets.
Can you name the three shortest words in the English language?
“Is it in?”
What made the d*ck go crazy?
“Someone was messing with his head.”
What’s the difference between a female erogenous zone and car keys? Men can actually find their car keys.
+++ Great joke: the nun in a taxi +++
A nun gets into a taxi and the driver suddenly asks “I am sorry. I have a question for you, but I am afraid it will upset you.” The nun responds gently “My son, I have talked to so many people and enlightened so many, I don’t think there is anything you can say that will upset me”. The driver responds “Well, mmm, I have always had a fantasy of receiving 0ral from a nun.” The nun, initially taken aback, responds “that is ok, my son. I can help. But you have to promise me that you are single”. The driver, excited, responds “yes, yes, I am single!”. So the driver pulls over and the nun performs as she promised. When the driver is done and they continue their ride, the driver states “I’m very sorry, but I have not told you the truth, I’m actually married.” After a few seconds of hesitation, the nun responds “that’s ok. I haven’t told you the truth either. My name is Freddie, and I’m on my way to a Halloween party.”
+++
What do you call a man with a small penis? Just-in.
Why do women’s panties have flowers on them? In loving memory of all the faces that have been buried there.
A wealthy financial backer of a hospital goes on a tour with the hospital director. As she walks past one of the patient rooms, she can’t help but notice a patient mast*rb*ting. She is shocked, but the director explains “This man suffers from Semenitis, a rare medical condition where his test*cles fill up too quickly.” The woman says “I suppose it is ok then”. Continuing their visit, they now walk past a room where a patient receives oral from a nurse. Shocked again, the woman asks, “And why is THIS happening in your hospital??” The director calmly responds “Same condition. The patient just has a better healthcare plan.”
After her shower, a woman winked at her boyfriend and said, “Honey, I shaved down there. You know what that means…” Her boyfriend said, “Yeah, it means the drain is clogged again.”
With a great pen*s comes great responsibility. If only your boyfriend knew that…
Why are vegans good at giving head to men?
“They’re used to eating nuts.”
Related Post: Dirty Jokes To Tell a Guy: Jokes for HIM
What do you call the long, wide thing hanging from the front of a man? A tie.
It goes inside hard and dry, and comes out flappy and wet. What is it? Chewing gum.
What did the tornado say to the coconut tree?
Hold on to your nuts, this is not going to be your average bl0w job.
What’s the difference between a Ferrari and an erection?
I can’t seem to get my hands on a Ferrari. And I can’t seem to keep my hands off my erection.
What’s the difference between your pen*s and your bonus check? Your girlfriend is always willing to blow your bonus.
Which pickup line did the toaster use with the slice of bread? “I want you inside me.”
What do you get when you mix LSD and birth control? A trip with no kids.
What’s the difference between 69 and 6.9?
One is great and the other got screwed up by a p*riod.
What did the left saggy boob say to the right? “If we don’t get some support, people are gonna think we’re nuts.”
What did the butt cheek say to the other butt cheek?
Let’s work together and stop this crap.
A new study shows that 69% of people will always find something dirty in every sentence.
What do you call a mast*rbating cow? Beef strokin’ off!
What is the name for a person who doesn’t mast*rbate? A liar.
How do you find blind men on a nudist beach? It’s usually not hard at all!
What does the receptionist at a sperm bank say as patients leave? “Thanks for coming!” (please come again soon…)
How do you make your woman scream during s*x?
Call and let her hear it.
A pregnant woman is like a lightbulb: both have been screwed. What’s the main difference?
You can unscrew a lightbulb.
Why does it take 100 million sperm to find and fertilize one egg?
Because they simply won’t stop to ask for directions.
Snowstorms are just like men: you never know exactly how long they will last or how many inches you will get.
Have you heard about the man who can ejaculate without his penis? He can come out of nowhere.
In what way is life like a penis? Sometimes it gets hard when you least expect it.
What’s the difference between your boyfriend and a condom? Condoms have evolved to not be so thick and insensitive anymore.
What would you call a s*x worker with her hand up her skirt?
Self-employed.
A young, newly married couple returned home from their honeymoon and the wife admitted to her husband that she couldn’t cook. So, the first night he comes home from work, his wife says, “I’m sorry. I burned dinner.”
He says, “That’s all right, babe. Let’s just make love.”
The second night, he comes home from work and she says, “I’m sorry. I messed up dinner again.”
He says, “That’s all right. Let’s just go to bed.” He winks at her and grabs her in his arms.
The third night he comes home to find she’s sitting on the radiator.
“What are you doing?” He asks.
She answers, “I’m just warming up supper.”
What did the clit say to the vulva? It’s all good in the hood!
What’s the difference between hungry and horny? Where you put the cucumber.
What do you do if your wife starts smoking?
Check all the valves and if that doesn’t work, call a mechanic.
What’s the best way to quit smoking?
Smoke only after making love.
What did the man say when his girlfriend caught him masturbating to an optical illusion?
This is not what it looks like!
Hair on the top and bottom, with a wet slit in between. What is it?
An eyeball.
What’s the difference between a French Kiss and an Australian Kiss?
One is on the mouth and the other is Down Under.
What’s the main difference after you make your boyfriend into your husband?
Their s*x drive.
Is there anything worse than waking up at a party and finding a penis drawn on your face?
Finding out it was traced.
A naked man broke into a church. The police chased him around and finally caught him by the organ.
What’s the lesbo version of a cock block? A beaver dam!
What’s the difference between a used car tire and 365 condoms that have been used? One is a “Goodyear” and the other is a fantastic year.
My girlfriend kept insisting on banging me on the hood of her Honda Civic.
I had to refuse. If I’m going to do this, it will be on my own Accord.
“I blame my mother for my poor life in the bedroom. All she told me was, ‘The man goes on top and the woman underneath.’ For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.” (Joan Rivers)
What do you call a man who cries while he mast*rbates? A tearjerker.
Whats 72?
69 with an audience.
What’s the best thing to say after the police say: “Anything you say, can and will be held against you?” “Boobs!”
Why do male walruses love a Tupperware party? They’re always looking for a tight seal.
Do you know the difference between ‘Oooh!’ and ‘Aaah!’? About three inches.
Why did the mermaid wear seashells?
She hasn’t fit in her B-shells since high school!
Sorry, that seat is taken. You can sit on my lap if you’d like. We’ll talk about whatever pops up.
What did the leper say to the s*x worker after they finished?
Keep the tip.
What did the toaster say to the slice of bread?
I want you inside me.
I’m not interested in having kids any time soon, but I’m happy to start practicing with you now.
What do Medusa and hot women in miniskirts have in common?
One look at you and you’re hard as a rock.
What is something you can say about Game of Thrones and about s*x? The ending was disappointing.
I just found a porn channel called: Origami Porn: The Sensual Art of Folding, but it’s paper view only.
A woman was thinking about moving to a nudist colony. She was greeted by a man at the front gate, ready to take her on her tour. After introducing her to several people in the gathering room, he pointed across the room to a man standing off to the side, surrounded by several women (and a few men). He said, “That’s Glen. He’s very popular around here for his ability to carry in coffee and doughnuts.” She furrowed her brow and asked, “What makes him so special? Can’t anyone carry coffee and doughnuts?” With his eyebrows raised, he said, “Not the way Glen does it. He has a coffee in each hand right now.” She nodded and asked, “So where are the doughnuts?” The tour guide giggled uncomfortably and said, “Oh, he’s balancing those, too.”
Why was the pool table laughing?
It likes having its balls tickled.
What’s the name for a nanny with big breast implants? A faux-pair.
What do you get when you cross a d*ck and potato?
A dictator.
What was Santa thinking about while he jingled his balls?
He was dreaming of a white Christmas!
What is six inches long, two inches wide, and makes everyone go crazy?
“A $100 bill.”
Spicy love making is like a spicy burrito, don’t unwrap or that baby is in your lap.
They say that kissing is the Language of Love. So, let’s start a conversation, shall we?
What does a steak have in common with a woman after a long night of love making?
Both start the night juicy and rare, but by morning are hot and well done.
What do you get when you cross an owl and a rooster? A cock that stays up til dawn.
What do you call bees that make milk?
“Boo-bees!”
What did the pirate s*x worker say when she was laying down the ground rules for the evening?
“You can have me booty, but leave me chest alone.”
What do card games and s*x have in common?
If you don’t have a good partner, you better have a really good hand!
A market researcher for the Vaseline company was going door to door. He knocked on the door of a family home and was greeted by a young woman with three small kids running around at her feet. He says, “I’m doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?”
She says, “Yes. My husband and I use it all the time.”
The researcher then asks, “And if you don’t mind me asking, what do you use it for?”
“We use it for s*x.”
The researcher was a little taken aback. “Usually people lie to me and say for creaky door hinges or bicycle chains. Truth is, I know that most people use it for s*x. I admire your honesty. Since you’ve been so frank, would you mind telling me exactly how you use it for s*x?”
The woman says, “Sure. My husband and I put it on the doorknob and it keeps the kids out.”
What did the trumpeting elephant say to the naked man in the Savannah? “How do you breathe with that thing?”
Why were dildos on the store shelf with the tofu? They are both meat substitutes.
What do you call a naughty joke about football?
An offensive line.
Did you hear about the constipated accountant? He couldn’t budget, so he had to work it out with paper and pencil.
What did the sign on the door of the closed brothel say?
“Beat it. We’re closed.”
What did the banana say to the vibrator?
“Why are you shaking? She’s gonna eat me!”
What’s the difference between your wife and your job?
After 5 years, your job will still suck.
Would you like to hear a joke about my v@gina? Never mind. You’ll never get it.
How is love like a machine?
Sometimes you need a good screw to fix it.
Would you like to hear a joke about my pen*s? Never mind. It’s too long.
What do they ask of applicants who interview at Hooters? They hand them a bra and say, “Here, fill this out.”
What does making love have in common with mathematics?
You add the bed or the floor, subtract the clothes and underwear, divide the legs, and pray there will be no multiplying involved.
Top 10 Dirty Pick-Up Lines That Just Might Work For Her
…or at least make her laugh!
My mom thinks I’m gay.
You wanna help me prove that she is wrong?
I’m really on top of things. Want to be one of them?
If you were my big toe, I would willingly bang you on every piece of furniture at my house.
Is your name Winter? I hear you’ll be coming soon.
Do you do carpeting? Because I’m interested in a shag.
I love my mattress, but I’d like to try yours.
Let’s play carpenter! You get hammered, then I’ll nail you.
I’m not a meteorologist, but you can expect a few more inches tonight.
Are you a trampoline? Because I’d like to jump on.
Do you like a good bargain? Because clothing is 100% off at my place.
