Are you a fan of twisted humor? Do you like disturbing or dark jokes that make others doubt your sanity? If so, you’re in for a treat; even though what you clearly need is treatment.
Dark Jokes That Will Make You Laugh and Cry at the Same Time… Or Just Cry
This page is full of the most messed up dark jokes and memes you’ll ever see. Some of them are so rare, you won’t find them anywhere else. Even the classic ones have been further twisted and corrupted to make them more shocking and heartbreaking. So say goodbye to your innocence and get ready to laugh at some of the darkest jokes on the internet. You’ve been warned… now enjoy the jokes!
How Not to Ride a Camel
Mike accepts a job at a remote oil rig in the middle of the desert where there are no women.
He asks his colleagues, “Is it true that there are absolutely no women here?”
His colleague replies, “Yup, absolutely no women here.”
Mike then asks, “Well, what do you guys do for s*x?”
“Well, there is a camel right by the water tank,” his colleague responds.
Disgusted by what he just heard, Mike tries to forget it and carry on with his work.
Unfortunately, after a few weeks of hard work, Mike’s desires become too strong to resist. Reluctantly, he goes to the water tank and sees a young and healthy camel drinking water. Taking a deep breath, he removes his pants and starts having his way with the camel.
Unfortunately for Mike, one of his colleagues happens to be taking a break by the water tank and witnesses the scene. Shocked, the colleague runs back to tell the others what he just saw.
They all come running and yelling, “Mike, what in the world are you doing?”
Confused, Mike replies, “You guys are the ones who told me that’s the only option we have for s*x.”
A colleague exclaims, “Yes, but we don’t fu*k the camel, you idiot! We just ride it to the nearby town where we can find more women!”
* * *
My dad is a lot like a boomerang. I mean, I hope so.
***
9 out of 10 people agree: a gang r*pe is fun.
Best Jokes: “Eat” the Fruit of Your Labor
Andy, Brad, and Carl are three adventurers who get lost in the woods. After wandering for weeks, they are captured by a group of tribal people who live deep in the wild.
The tribe members lock them up in a hut and wait for their leader to decide their fates. The leader comes to see them and says, “You have two choices: immediate death or a very difficult challenge.”
“We’ll take the challenge!” all three of the adventurers shout out in unison.
The leader smiles and says, “It’s quite straightforward: each of you must find ten fruits of the same variety and bring them back here.”
The adventurers are relieved that they have a chance to escape.
Andy quickly spots a peach tree, picks ten peaches and runs back to the hut with his fruits in his arms.
Brad also returns to the hut shortly after Andy, holding ten blueberries in his hands.
The leader looks at them and says, “Now that you have found ten fruits of the same variety, you have to insert them into your butts without making a sound or changing your facial expression at all. If one of you fails to insert all ten of their fruit into their butt without making a sound or changing their facial expression, I will chop off their head right away with my mighty sword.”
Andy, seeing no other option, tries to be brave and starts pushing the peaches into his butt one by one. He manages to get seven peaches in, but then he can’t take it anymore. And so he screams in pain, causing the leader to swiftly cut his head off.
Andy dies and goes to heaven. As he is walking through the pearly gates, he hears someone calling his name from behind. He turns around and sees it’s Brad, who’s running towards him with a big smile on his face.
Andy says, “Brad, I’m so glad you made it too. We’re going to have a blast in heaven. But how did you die? You only had those tiny blueberries. If I managed to get seven of those peaches in my butt, surely you could get all ten blueberries in yours.”
Brad says, “Oh yeah, the blueberries weren’t an issue at all: I put nine inside my butt and didn’t feel any pain. As I was putting the tenth one in my butt, though, that’s when I saw Carl wheeling in a wagon full of pineapples, and I just couldn’t hold in the laughter!”
* * *
My six-year-old niece showed me the telephone she made by attaching two plastic cups together with a long string. I said, “That’s amazing, Suzie!” Then I pulled my iPhone 14 out of my pocket and said, “But have you seen what little girls like you make in China!”
The Father Who Didn’t Leave His Family Hanging
A six-year-old girl runs up to her mother and shouts, “Mommy, I found dad hanging from the ceiling in the garage!”
The shocking news forces the mother to cry uncontrollably but she manages to hesitantly walk down to the garage.
The mother steps into the garage and starts looking around but is unable to see her husband hanging from the ceiling anywhere, so she shifts her gaze to her little daughter.
The daughter exclaims, “I was just kidding, mommy!” The mother gasps and says ”Oh, thank God!” The daughter quickly responds, “Yeah, he slit his wrists in the bathtub like a b*tch.”
* * *
An Alabama man, his girlfriend, sister, and niece all walk into a diner.
The waiter asks, “Table for two?”
(Yes, this is actually possible.)
Pink is the Darkest Color
A man brings his late mother’s body to a funeral home. She was eighty-four years old and had a peaceful death.
The funeral director, a young lady, welcomes the man and assures him that his mother’s body is in good hands, she also says, “I like the green dress she’s wearing, do you want her to be wearing it during the wake or do you want us to put her in something different?”
The man replies, “Her favorite color was pink. I think it would be appropriate to put her in a nice pink dress as a tribute to her life.”
He goes on to give the funeral director his credit card and tells her to buy the most beautiful pink dress for his mother.
The next day, the man returns for the wake. He is touched to see his dear mother in a gorgeous pink dress with a delicate floral design; she looks like a queen.
He walks up to the funeral director and thanks her. The funeral director reaches into her pocket, pulls out his credit card and hands it to him, “Here’s your card. I’m happy to say that the dress is completely free of charge!”
The man responds, “You have to charge me for that beautiful dress. Please, I insist, tell me how much it cost you and I will happily pay you for it.”
“Well,” the funeral director says, “it honestly didn’t cost me anything. You see, what happened is that another old lady’s body was brought in right after you left yesterday, and she was wearing a stunning pink dress. I asked her son if he minded if I put her in a green dress instead, and he said he didn’t mind as long as she looked decent and respectable.”
“So I simply swapped the two heads.”
* * *
Father: Son, I have to tell you this. In Vietnam I k*lled 30 people.
Son: But weren’t you an airplane mechanic?
Father: Yup, just not a very good one.
A Date Gone Right
Today, I went on a two-hour-long walk around the city with this gorgeous woman.
Until she saw me, then we went for a pretty intense run.
Anyways, things worked out just fine and now I’m cooking dinner for her.
Sorry, I didn’t say that right. I meant now I’m cooking her for dinner.
* * *
You can call me xenophobic, racist, bigoted, or whatever you want. But the fact remains that the people south of the border are violent, immoral and ignorant. Plus they’re constantly in the news for rap*ng and k*lling each other.
So there’s no way I’m going to let any of those people come up here to Canada.
Death, Would You Please Do Us Part?
An extremely rich sixty-year-old man marries a super attractive twenty-two-year-old woman.
At the wedding afterparty, he and some of his friends sip some champagne to toast his marriage.
One of his friends says, “How an old-looking pale guy like you managed to get such an attractive young girl to marry him, I will never understand.”
The old rich man smiles and says, “Alright, I’ll tell you guys my secret. It’s pretty simple–I just lied about my age.”
His friend says, “Hmm, okay… but even if you convinced her you were fifty, or even forty, it’s still hard to believe she actually agreed to marry you.”
The rich man says, “You’re right, she wouldn’t have agreed to marry me if I told her I was forty.”
His friend, taken aback a bit, says, “So… How old does she think you are exactly?”
The rich man shrugs and says, “I told her I was ninety-two years old”
* * *
A Holocaust survivor passes away and goes to heaven.
When she finally sees God, she decides to tell him a Holocaust joke.
God rolls his eyes and says, “That’s not even funny.”
The Holocaust survivor replies, “Yeah… it’s one of those things where you had to be there to get it.”
Gotta Keep It Runnin’
A ninety-year-old man marries a nineteen year old woman. After a year being married, the woman is taken to the hospital to give birth to their first baby. After delivering the baby, the doctor walks up to the old man and exclaims, “This is incredible! How were you able to get her pregnant?” The man calmly answers, “You gotta keep your engine runnin’, Doc.”
One year later, the girl is taken to the hospital again to give birth to their second child. The same doctor is even more astounded this time. He again walks up to the man and exclaims, “This is unprecedented! You’re truly incredible! Can you please tell me your secret?” The man again calmly answers, “You gotta keep your engine runnin’, Doc.”
Another year passes before the girl is taken to the hospital once more to give birth to their third child. And as usual, the same doctor goes up to the old man and says, “Wow, you are ninety-three years old, and still making babies…” The man quickly replies, “Like I always say, you gotta keep your engi-” The doctor interrupts him, “Yeah well, you don’t happen to have your jumper cables on you, do you? Because this one came out de@d.”
* * *
I can’t wait till I’m old and spending my golden years with my fellow millennials in a senior home. We’ll have all-night gaming sessions, show off our Pokemon cards, binge-watch Netflix, compete in meme trivia, throw pizza parties and blast our old-school tunes from the 2000’s and 2010’s, all while being unbearably sarcastic to the staff. It’ll be epic, especially if we all manage to align our work shifts!
Choose Wisely
While on one of their expeditions, three adventurers get captured by a dangerous tribe.
Once they’re taken to the king of the tribe, he tells them, “You’ve come here unannounced, causing disturbance for me and my people. For this you shall be punished.” He then continues, “It’s an honored tradition in our lands that intruders get to choose one of two punishments: death or kimpo.”
The king looks at the first prisoner and asks, “Tell me which punishment you want: death or kimpo?”
Despite not knowing what it means, the first man chooses kimpo as he knows he definitely doesn’t want death.
The king exclaims, “Kimpo it is!” Leading the hundreds of people in the crowd to start chanting, “Kimpo, kimpo, kimpo!”
The king’s guards start moving toward the prisoner. They start by ripping off all his clothes, and then they bend him over a rock. After that, the king gets up from his throne, moves up right behind the prisoner, drops his pants, and starts to an@lly r@pe him. After a few minutes of consistent thrusting, the king finishes inside of the prisoner and declares, “You’re now free to go!”
The king then asks the second prisoner which punishment he wants. The second prisoner considers his options and decides that he’d rather get fu*ked in the butt than die, so he chooses kimpo as well.
After resting for a few minutes, the king does the same thing to the second prisoner, then declares, “You too are now free to go!”
The king then asks the third prisoner, “Death or kimpo?”
The third prisoner, not wanting to get r@ped, takes a deep breath and says, “I choose death.”
The king nods, then directs his attention to the massive crowd and says, “My good people, you’ve heard the man. Let us all kimpo him until he’s de@d!”
* * *
A speech therapist starts the conversation with her patient, “Hey, Sarah. I haven’t seen you in a month; any improvement with your stutter?”
“Yeah, it’s getting a bi- a bi- a bit better. But my husband keeps c-calling me a donkey,” replies Sarah.
“That sounds awful. Why would he do such a thing?” asks the speech therapist.
“I don’t know why he does it, but he ow- he ow- he ow- he owns the house so I have to put up with the abuse.”
The Faith Healer and the Two Boys
A faith healer visits a small town and announces that he can heal any sickness with his prayers. He asks for someone who needs his help. After a few seconds, a boy slowly raises his hand.
The faith healer asks the boy, “What’s your name, son?”
The boy replies, “I’m Tommy.”
The faith healer asks, “And what’s wrong with you, Tommy?”
Tommy says, “I have really bad asthma and anxiety. I need an inhaler to breathe and I get really nervous in social situations like this one.”
The faith healer declares, “Then come up here and go behind that black screen. I will pray for you and your asthma and anxiety will disappear.”
Tommy reluctantly goes up on the stage and behind the screen. He feels his chest tightening and his heart racing as he walks up the stairs in front of everyone.
The faith healer looks for another person who needs his help and sees another boy raising his hand.
He asks the boy, “What’s your name, son?”
The boy says, “D-d-d-danny.”
The faith healer asks, “And what’s wrong with you, Danny?”
Danny answers, “I-I-I have a s-s-s-severe s-s-s-stutter.”
The faith healer declares, “Then come up here and go behind the black screen with Tommy. I will pray for you and your stutter will disappear.”
Danny obeys and goes up on the stage and behind the screen. He sees Tommy clutching his inhaler and gasping for air.
The faith healer leads the crowd in a loud and passionate prayer, asking God to heal the two young boys of their afflictions, while the entire crowd sways left and right in unison as if moved by divine power.
He says, “Tommy, throw your inhaler over the screen! Show us that you are healed!”
Tommy panics and throws his inhaler over the screen without thinking. The crowd cheers and claps.
He says, “Danny, say something! Show us that you too are healed!”
Danny says, “T-t-t-tommy’s dead.”
* * *
What’s the best hiding place for a murd*rer?
Behind the badge.
A Robbery Gone Wrong
While on his first trip to the US, a Danish man is suddenly stopped by a stranger with a pist0l in his hand.
The armed stranger shouts, “Give me all the money you have!”
The Danish tourist says, “Oh, my American friend told me about this! Do you have your stethoscope and thermometer with you or do we have to go to your office?”
The armed stranger says, “What, what are you talking about?”
The Danish tourist replies, “Oh I’m sorry, aren’t you a doctor?”
* * *
How do you determine whether the building you’re looking at is an Iraqi elementary school or an ISIS safehouse?
How am I supposed to know? I just operate the drones.
The Golden Rule of Comedy
A serial k*ller was about to be publicly behe@ded for his crimes. He was standing on the platform with his head on the block and the headsman asked him, “Any final requests before you die?”
The criminal said, “Yes, I want to tell a joke.”
“That’s an unusual request, but I’ll allow it. Just try to keep it short,” the headsman responded.
The criminal starts telling his joke, “So, there was this man who, like myself, was sentenced to be behe@ded for k*lling several people. When asked if he had any final requests, he dropped to his knees and started crying and begging for his life. He looked at the headsman and said, ‘Please, don’t k*ll me. I have a family who depends on me. I have two little sisters who are orphans. I have been taking care of them since our parents died of the plague. They are still in school and they have no one else to support them. They are innocent and they don’t deserve to lose their brother too. Please, spare me. I will work hard and pay for their education. I will protect them and make them happy. I will never k*ll or harm anyone ever again. Please, have pity on me.’ The headsman disgustedly responded, ‘Shut up, you pathetic worm,’ and coldly proceeded to cut off the criminal’s head in one swift motion.”
After hearing the story, the crowd roared with laughter.
Baffled, the headsman yelled, “That was a terrible joke; there’s nothing funny about behe@ding people! Why in God’s name is everyone laughing?”
The serial k*ller replied, “Well, you know what they say: Any joke can be funny with a good execution.”
* * *
A little kid asks his grandma, “Grammy, what does ‘affair’ mean?” The grandma pauses for a moment, then a look of horror appears on her face. As fast as her body would allow her, she runs to the basement, opens a chest, and a corpse pops out.
Sounds Like It Was a Very Happy Marriage
Albert and Ralph are two old men who have been friends for over fifty years.
One day, Albert pays Ralph a visit and they sit on the porch, drinking warm cups of tea.
That’s when Albert turns to Ralph and says, “Ralph, I’m pretty sure my wife has passed away.”
Confused, Ralph asks, “Al, what in the world are you talking about?
Albert takes a sip of tea and replies, “Well, even though fu*king her feels exactly the same, I’m starting to notice that there is dust forming on every surface in the house.”
* * *
Dark Dead-Baby Jokes
We are now going to present you with some of the darkest, yet hilarious jokes about… that’s right, dead babies! So just take a deep breath and let us submerge you with the bl00d of these adorable little creatures. Don’t worry, it’s all in good fun!
How can you get 3 babies into a single Tupperware bowl?
With a blender.
What does a stray dog call a baby in the garbage bin?
Dinner.
What sits still in the corner of the room and is as black as the day of doom?
A baby with its finger in the power socket.
Read our Funniest & Darkest Dead Baby Jokes.
Ending on a Good Note: Even More Dark & Dirty Jokes
A mom is driving behind a garbage truck with her 8-year-old son in the backseat. Suddenly, a dildo flies out of the garbage truck and hits the car’s windshield. The mom, horrified and wanting to spare her little boy’s innocence, quickly turns around and says, “Don’t worry, it was just a bug hitting the windshield.” Amazed, the boy replies, “Wow, I can’t believe the bug was able to get off the ground and fly with such a huge c*ck!”
What can a girl say to her boyfriend to make him feel both delighted and mad at the same time?
“Out of all your friends… you have the biggest d*ck.”
Related post: 100 Best DIRTY Dad Jokes
