Dirty Dad Jokes blend classic dad humor with a cheeky twist, making them even funnier. Enjoy this handpicked collection of jokes and memes!
Best dirty dad jokes
My colleague hates when I shorten his name to D*ck. Especially because his name is Josh.
*** Dirty dad joke: the butler knows too much – 30 second reading time***
In a wealthy family, the butler asks the dad for a raise. The dad asks: “Why would I even give you a raise?”
Butler: “There are two reasons. The first one is that someone said I’m a better cook than you”
Dad: “Who said that?”
Butler: “Your wife.”
Dad: “hmmm”
Butler: “The second reason is that I make love better than you”
Dad: “and who said that?? my wife???”
Butler: “No, the babysitter did.”
Dad: “ok… how much more money do you want?”
***
*** Great joke: Dad’s order at the food truck ***
A dad goes to a food truck and sees the menu:
Burgers: $8
Fries: $4
Handj0bs: $20.
He asks the gorgeous woman working in the truck “are you the one doing the handj0bs”. “Yes” responds the woman with a big smile.
The dad responds: “Well, could you please wash your hands? I would like a burger.”
***
Omitting one) little letter in a text message can ruin a marriage.
While on a business trip to Las Vegas, the dad texted his wife late at night:
“I’m having a fantastic time. I wish you were her.”
Why was the pirate like a vagina? With just one slip of the tongue, he found himself in deep sh*t!
A few dirty dad jokes about 3-somes
I set up a threes0me last night. Unfortunately, two of us didn’t show up. We still had a great time.
As a special treat for my birthday, my wife said she was open to a threes*me.
She asked me which of her friends i would want to invite.
But she got mad… apparently, i was only supposed to pick 1.
Dirty dad jokes about moms or women
A world without women:
Sure, women can cause a lot of problems
But a world without women is a pain in the ass
Dad calls 911:
Dad calls 9-1-1, says “I think my wife is dead.”
Operator asks, “What do you mean, you ‘think’ she’s dead?”
“Well”, the dad says, “The s*x is the same, but the dishes have started to pile up.”
I saw my wife, very drunk, yelling at the television. ‘Don’t go in there! Don’t go in that church, you dummy!’ I guess she was watching our wedding video again. She must really love me.
***
A mom goes to her doctor because her husband no longer seems interested in her. With 3 young kids at home, the couple struggles with intimacy. The doctor prescribes viagra, but the mom states that the dad will not take the pill. The doctor recommends putting a pill in the dad’s coffee discreetly.
A few days later, the mom returns to the doctor, furious.
“Did it not work?” ask the doc.
“It was horrible”, responds the mom… “he drunk his coffee, then slammed everything off the table, ripped my skirt off, and had his ways with me right there.”
Puzzled, the doc asked, “Isn’t that what you wanted?”
Mom: “But now I’ll never be able to go to Starbucks again!”
About pregnant women or babies…
Let’s be honest, babies are tiny, adorable chaos machines. So, in the spirit of sleepless nights and questionable diaper surprises, here’s a batch of dad jokes that are a little dirty, a bit off-color, and totally worth it – about babies and pregnant women.
Naughty dad jokes about infidelity
Infidelity: it’s a terrible idea in real life but a goldmine for comedy. So, if you like your dad jokes with a little scandal and a lot of bad taste, you’re in the right place.
*** Epic dirty joke: the lover hidden in the dark closet (1 min reading time) ***
Unaware that her daughter is hiding in the bedroom closet, a mom brings a lover to her bedroom while her husband is at work. Her husband arrives home unexpectedly, forcing her to quickly hide her lover in the same bedroom closet where her daughter was already hiding.
The little girl whispers, “It’s really dark in here” The man nods. She adds: “Look at my doll”. The man unenthusiastically looks at the doll, “That’s nice.” The girl then says, “My dad is just outside. Wanna buy my doll?” The man says, “Fine, I’ll buy your doll if you keep quiet. How much?”
Taking advantage of the opportunity, the girl replies with a big smile: “$100” and the man has no choice but to pay.
Weeks later, the same thing happens. The little girl says again: “It’s really dark in here”, followed by the same “Wanna buy another doll?” The man declines until the girl hints that she might reveal their secret. The man hastily asks, “How much?”
“$250” says the girl, with an even bigger smile.
Days later, the girl and her religious dad heads to church. It’s time for confessions, inside the booth.
“It’s really dark in here,” the girl says.
The priest responds, “oooh… don’t get this started again.”
*** Infidelity joke: a dad is being cheated on (30-second reading time) ***
While sitting at a big party, a man’s friend came running towards him. “Hurry! Your wife is in the master bathroom upstairs, cheating on you with your best friend, in the steam shower”.
The man rushed upstairs to see what was happening for himself. But after a few minutes, he returned and sat down very calmly, as if nothing happened. Everyone at the party was confused and someone eventually dares to ask what happened…
The man replied that his friend had been greatly exaggerating: “First, he said it was in the steam shower, but it was a regular shower. Second, he said she was with my best friend, I didn’t even know the guy.”
Other dirty dad jokes and memes we think are hilarious
We are far from being done! These dad jokes below are a bit inappropriate, and just wrong enough to be hilarious, so brace yourself and try not to laugh (or do, we won’t judge)!
What is the scientific/medical name for Viagra?
Mycoxaflopin
My dad said I should never go to a cheap and sleazy strip club because I might see something I should never see. But I went anyway. And when I got there… I saw my dad.
***
A male whale and a female whale see a fishing boat with a large harpoon. The male whale recognized the ship that caught his dad whale a year ago. He asks the female whale “let’s both get under the boat, blow air out of our air holes, and it might topple the ship.” They go ahead and do it, with success: the fish boat sinks. However, the seamen manage to swim away, almost reaching shore. The male whale, disappointed that they might get away, asked the female whale “Let’s catch them and eat them up.” But this time, the female whale doesn’t want to join in: “Look, I did the blow job just like you asked, but I really don’t want to swallow the seamen”.
***
Dad explains to his son why his sister is called Claire:
“Dad, why is my sister called Claire?”
“Well, it’s an anagram of éclair, which your mother loves a lot.”
“Cool, thanks.”
“No problem, Alan.”
You know your marriage sucks when the only thing that gets erected during the Xmas holidays is the tree.
Chicken eggs are a work of perfection. Why? Because they get laid and don’t even need a c0ck.
Got a job as a s*x toy tester, money is good but it’s a real pain in the butt.
Dad stated he already got this colonoscopy. However, it turns out that he was just full of sh*t.
Read this related post: Top 100 dirty jokes for her (to make your girl laugh) or Top jokes for ADULTS.
Last week I hired a prostitvte philosopher. She blew my mind on so many levels.
Why did that one guy ask the escort for a refund? He said that the bang wasn’t worth his buck.
A busty woman smacked me in an elevator. I was looking at her, and she said, “Can you press one please?”.
My wife asked if she was really the only ‘one’ I had ever been with… I told her that most of the others were eights or nines.
My wife tried to make love to me on the hood of her Honda Civic. But I turned her down. If I’m going to do it, it’s going to have to be on my own Accord.
***Giddyup!***
I’m getting a divorce with my wife and the judge decided that she gets half of my weed stash. I hate joint custody.
What do you get when you jingle Santa’s balls? A white Christmas!
I had to go to the doctor because I’ve been having lots of irregular bowel movements. They diagnosed me with all kinds of weird sh*t.
Related posts: Top jokes for Adults or the best knock-knock jokes for ADULTS.
*** Great dad joke: son asks his dad about protection (1 minute reading time)***
A man walks into a pharmacy with his 10-year-old son. As they walk by the condoms the boy asks, “What are these Dad?” The man replies “Those are condoms, son. People use them to have safe sex.” “Ok. We learned about that in health class last week,” he said.
The boy points to a package of three and asks “Why are there three in this package?” “Those are for 20-year old men: one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday,” the father replies.
“So why are there six in this package?” “Those are for 25-year old men. Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday,” he explains again.
“Wow!” the boy exclaimed. “Then why are there 12 in this one?” The father sighed, “Those are for dads. One for January, one for February, one for March…”
***
A woman walks around her house completely naked when suddenly she hears the doorbell ring. She asks “Who is this?” A man answers “It’s the blind man”. Re-assured, the woman, still naked, opens the door. The man stares at her, hesitates for a second, then says “ok… so where do you want me to install those blinds?”
My phone keeps autocorrecting “fvck” to “duck.” That’s okay – it’s still fowl language.
Why is it called dad jokes? If it was called mom jokes, they would have a chance of being actually funny.
A dad told his son that he killed 100 people in Vietnam. His son asked:
“I thought you were a plane mechanic?” But the dad admits: “I wasn’t a good one…”
When I was in high school, my dad showed me a ten-minute video of why I should wear condoms… he just showed me a video of me as a child.
I knew I was becoming too much like my dad when I saw the look of disappointment in my mom’s eyes.
My best friend is addicted to taking blurry pictures in the shower. He has serious selfie steam issues.
A mosquito’s grandfather became a divorce lawyer. He was already a bloodsucking parasite, but now he has a briefcase.
My father knows the best jokes about mastvrbation. He says that to make people laugh, they always “come” in handy.
What’s the difference between a vampire and a person suffering from anemia? One sucks blood, and the other’s blood sucks.
A dad says to his wife: “The guys at golf were saying that our mailman has slept with every woman on this street except one…” His wife replies: “I bet it’s Claire!”
*** Great dirty dad joke: the daughter is pregnant ***
A daughter tells her parents that she is pregnant. The dad demands to meet the father of the baby, who arrives in a luxurious car and promises generous financial support. The man reassures the parents: “I cannot raise this child, but I will give you $3 million dollars and a house”.
The dad starts warming up to the idea of welcoming this new baby to the world. He asks what would happen if there are twins. The man replies: “In this case, you will get $6 million, and 2 houses”.
The dad becomes excited but then worries about the possibility of a failed pregnancy. The man doesn’t know what to respond to that and asks the parents “What do you think should happen if the pregnancy fails?”
The father leans in and whispers in the man’s ear: “You f*ck her one more time!!”
***
View more colonoscopy jokes
I couldn’t believe that my dad and mom divorced. My dad always described their marriage as: “Being just like Christmas.” Later, I learned he meant it’s because Christmas only comes once a year.
A cannibal family eats dinner together. But the son, visibly upset and not interested in the food, refuses to eat. The cannibal dad says: “Your mother cooked very long and hard to become this meal and I expect you to eat it.”
I’ve just watched a Netflix documentary on weed. I loved it, and actually… I really think all documentaries should be watched this way.
Dad: The doctor recommended I touch myself whenever I wanted.
Mom: No, he did not. He said you could have a stroke at any time.
I recently came into a bunch of money. That’s unusual for me because I usually use paper tissues because it’s cheaper.
What’s the difference between a set of used car tires and 365 used condoms? One was a ‘goodyear’, the other was a fantastic year!
“It’s a boy,” the dad said with emotional tears in his eyes. It was at that moment he decided not to visit Thailand again.
What’s the difference between a funny Chuck Norris joke and too much @nal play? One will make your day, the other will make your hole weak (whole week).
Funny Tweet: Check out this tweet below with a few great ideas:
If you like these dirty dad jokes, you will love our 130 best dirty jokes of all-time!
A mom asks her husband: “How many women have you slept with?”
Dad responds: “One, two, three, four, you, five, and then six… six total”
A stoner just used my work to-do list to roll up a joint. He is now high on my list of priorities.
***
My girlfriend has a kidnapping fantasy. At first it made me uncomfortable, but I decided to be open-minded and give it a try. Then we also made a $50K ransom after snatching some kid on the street.
Not Exactly Dirty, But a Funny Dad Joke (Over 120,000 Likes!)
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And finally, to end on a good note, watch these dad jokes from Will Ferrell and Mark Wahlberg:
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