Oh, how we love shameless adulting! We’ve handpicked a variety of side-splitting, relatively clean jokes and memes specifically for grown-ups. They’re clever, witty, and just a bit naughty at times. There’s a dash of sass and innuendo as well. It’s a perfect recipe to put a big ole smile on your face (unless you’re a botox user). Many of them have an unexpected twist for those twisted adult minds. Even the classic jokes have been revamped to make them funnier.
From beginning to end you’ll want to reread them, even if they’re a bit long. So have the kids leave the room and enjoy adulting!
Clean jokes for adults
Let’s start with a classic joke.
Our favorite clean joke: the wife that missed the Super Bowl
A man finds his seat at the Super Bowl. He looks over and notices that there’s an empty seat between himself and the next guy.
The guy asks, “Who in their right mind would miss the Super Bowl, especially with great seats like these?!”
The man next to him lets out a small friendly smile and says, “Well, actually this was my wife’s seat. She passed away recently and we had already purchased the tickets.”
The first guy is taken aback and says, “Oh, I’m sorry for your loss,” but then thinks for a second and says, “However, don’t you think it would have been a nice gesture to take one of her family members to the game?”
The man looks ahead and replies, “I would, but they’re all still at the funeral.”
* * *
We not only have clean jokes for adults, we also have clean memes and graphic jokes for adults… because a picture is sometimes worth a thousand words.
Me: Honey, were you being serious when you said I’m the only one you’ve ever been with?
Wife: Yes babe, I promise you it’s the truth. All the others were eights and nines.
So, my wife walked in on me while I was watching a bit of p0rn. In a total panic, I quickly switched the channel to something random: it turned out to be the fishing channel, of all things.
As she leaves the room, she looks back and says, “You should keep watching p0rn… you already know how to fish.”
*** Great clean joke: the priest going through customs ***
On an international flight, a young woman has a long conversation with the priest sitting next to her. They are about to land, and the woman, a bit embarrassed, asks the priest “Listen, Father, can I ask you for a favor? I bought an expensive luxury massage tool, but don’t want to pay for the customs fees. Could you hide it under your robe to through customs… please?”
The priest reluctantly accepts and puts the massage tool under his robe, but warns “I will do my best, but I cannot lie”.
At the airport, the customs officer asks the priest “Father, do you have anything to declare?”. The priest responds “From my head to my waist, I have nothing to declare”. The officer follows-up “Well, do you have anything to declare below your waist?”. The priest responds “Below my waist, I only have a tool meant to please women, but to this day, it has still not been used”. Laughing, the customs officer lets the priest go.
*** Great clean joke for adults: the Chinese doctor ***
A Chinese doctor opens a clinic in the U.S. with a sign: “$50 treatment, $200 back if not cured.” A patient thinks he can profit, so he goes to see the doctor and says: “I’ve lost my sense of taste.” The doctor instructs his nurse: “Two drops from the red box”
The patient tastes the drops and instantly reacts, “This is kerosene, it is disgusting!” The doctor smiles, “Great, your taste is back. That’s $50 please.”
A few days later, the same patient returns, “This time doctor, I’ve lost my memory.” Again, the doctor instructs: “Two drops from the red box”. The patient exclaims, “This is kerosene! You gave it to me last time.” The doctor smiles again, “Great, your memory is back. That’s $50 please.”
A week later, the patient tries again, “I can’t see.” The doctor hands him two bills, and admits: “I can’t cure your vision, here’s your $200.” The patient looks at the bills, “But these are $1 bills, not $100 bills” The doctor grins, “Great, your sight is back. That’s $50 please.”
Funny clean joke: the cat and the lion
A house cat ends up lost in the African rainforest. Thinking the cat would be easy to catch, a big lion begins to prowl. The house cat notices a pile of bones to his left and the lion coming towards him on his right and comes up with a plan. “Ah, that LION meat was DELICIOUS!” he exclaims loudly.
“Wow, maybe he is tough,” the lion thinks to himself.
A rat, who’d just seen the cat’s trick explains the situation to the lion.
“Let’s teach him a lesson,” the lion roars.
As the two race back towards the cat, the cat quickly yells:
“Where is that damn rat? I told him to fetch me another lion a few hours ago!!”
Why It’s a Good Idea to Have a Drunk Husband
In bed with her lover, the wife heard her husband’s key in the door. “Stay quiet,” she whispered. “He’s going to be too drunk to even notice you’re here.”
The husband stumbled into bed, but soon realized there were six feet sticking out from under the blanket. Confused, he slurred, “Waiiiit, there should only be four feet there, not six. What’s going on?” Chuckling, the wife responded, “You’re wasted, babe. Step out of bed and count the feet again.”
The husband, after getting up and glancing back at the bed, replied, “Damn, there are 4 feet, I guess you’re right.”
* * *
Paid $800 on a lavish limo for my son’s prom night, but overlooked one detail: the driver isn’t included!
So I just paid 800 bucks and got nothing to “chauffeur it”
(“show for it”)
99.8% of people can’t even successfully complete an IQ test. Luckily, I’m in the 1% of the smart ones who can.
* * *
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed after a wild night. The chicken lights a smoke and says “Well, that clears up the mystery, doesn’t it?”
The Anatomy of Disappointment
Mrs. Tyler, a science teacher in a 5th-grade class, posed the following question to her students, “Which part of the human body expands 8 times its size when stimulated?”
No one said anything until little Sarah jumped up and blurted out, “You’re not supposed to ask us that kind of stuff! I’m gonna tell my parents, and they’re gonna go straight to the principal!”
Unfazed by Sarah’s protest, Mrs. Tyler repeated the question, “Which body part expands 8 times its size when stimulated?”
Little Sarah’s jaw dropped, and she whispered to the kids nearby, “Oh wow, she’s going to be in sooo much trouble!”
Disregarding Sarah’s comments once again, Mrs. Tyler addressed the class once more, hoping for a response.
Finally, Cooper raises his hands, and says, “I think the body part that grows 8 times when stimulated is the pupil in your eyes.”
Mrs. Tyler commended Cooper for his correct answer, then turned her attention to Sarah and said, “I have three things to say to you, missy. One, you clearly didn’t read your homework. Two, you need to get your mind out of the gutter. And three, one day you’ll be incredibly disappointed.”
* * *
I just realized that I messed up and bought tickets to an NBA Finals game that’s taking place on the same day as my wedding. So, if anyone would like to take my place, it’s on Saturday and her name is Sophie.
Recommended post: Top 100 jokes for adults (dirty & clean).
Went to Hollywood and visited Universal Studios yesterday. My kids are absolutely obsessed with those characters!
Which is probably why they couldn’t stop crying when I went back home and started telling them about it.
They were so mad that I left them at the airport.
A priest, a rabbit and a minister walk into a blood donation center.
The receptionist asks, “Do you guys know your blood types?”
The rabbit quickly replies, “I’m pretty sure I’m a type O.” (typo)
What do you do when you go to a scat convention only to find out it was very different from what you had in mind?
You zippity-doo-da-zippity-za-zoom right out of there.
Funny clean joke: girl hiding under her bed
Annoyed at her mom, a teenage girl decides to prank her to get some attention. The girl wrote a note saying, I have run away – don’t bother trying to find me”, put it on her desk, and hid under her bed to catch her mom’s reaction.
The mother comes home, sees the note on the desk, and immediately pulls out her iPhone to call her husband. “Good news honey, we don’t have to send her off to college and spend all that money, she left on her own!”
The daughter waits for her mom to leave the room and then bursts into tears. She climbs out from under the bed and sees a note taped to the door. The note reads “I can see the light of your phone from under the bed. I’m making dinner, it’ll be ready in 30.”
The man who went to Yale
A man is interviewing for a new job:
“What is this big gap on your resume?” a recruiter asked.
“I went to Yale for 4 years,” he says.
The recruiter is impressed and offers him the position.
The man is excited and responds:
“That’s awesome, I am so happy about this because I badly needed this Yob.”
Which would you choose?
A man sees a genie emerge from a swirl of smoke and hears him say, “You have led a noble and righteous life, my good man, so I will grant you one wish: you can choose to be the most attractive man on earth, or you can have boundless wisdom, or you can have endless riches.”
The man pauses for a few seconds before replying, “This is a very easy decision for me. You see, ever since I was a young boy, I have been fascinated by the mysteries of the universe. I have devoted myself to finding the answers to the big questions that plague humanity. I have traveled to many countries and learned from various spiritual traditions. And now you come along and offer me the opportunity to have boundless wisdom, the very thing I’ve been seeking my entire life. This is a no-brainer for me. I choose the wisdom.”
“Your wish is my command,” the genie responds before snapping his fingers, “You now possess the gift of boundless wisdom!”
The genie then bows and vanishes in another swirl of smoke.
The smoke isn’t even clear before the man starts thinking, “Sh*t, I should’ve chosen the money.”
* * *
A cannibal and a mortician go to couples therapy.
Therapist: How can I help you two?
Mortician: I think he only wants me for my bodies!
Cannibal: What can I say? I like to eat fresh.
My wife was cleaning our eleven-year-old son’s bedroom.
She was shocked when she found a lot of BDSM toys, clothes and magazines.
When she came to me asking what we should do about it, I was like “I’m not sure, but I definitely wouldn’t spank him!”
Pun enters the house… ends up murdering 10 people.
Moral of the story: Pun in, 10 dead.
(Pun intended).
School principal Judy May faced a challenge: girls were constantly leaving lipstick marks on the bathroom mirror. Concerned, she devised a plan. Gathering the lipstick-wearing girls, she arranged a meeting in the ladies’ room. When the girls arrived, they found the principal and the janitor waiting. The principal explained the problem, emphasizing the difficulty challenge this created for the janitor. To illustrate, the janitor dipped a brush in a nearby toilet to get it wet, and slowly scrubbed the lipstick marks with the wet brush. From that day on, the girls stopped pressing their lips on the mirror.
The Power of Blackmail: A Lesson for Little Johnny
Little Johnny learned that all adults have dark secrets and figured that he could easily use that fact to always get what he wanted.
So one day, Johnny came home from school, walked up to his mom, looked straight into her eyes and said, “I know what you did, Mom. I know the truth.” Shocked, the mother responded, “Okay, I’ll give you 20 bucks every day from now on. Just don’t tell your dad.”
Johnny left, impressed that his mischievous plan seemed to actually be working.
The next day, Johnny’s father came home from his business trip. Johnny ran up to his dad, gave him a big hug, and then looked straight into his eyes and said, ”I know what you did, Dad. I know the truth.”
Shocked, the father responded, “Okay, I’ll give you 200 bucks every day from now on. Just don’t tell your mom.”
Johnny left, satisfied with how well his scheme seemed to be working so far.
The next morning, Johnny heard footsteps at the front door, so he opened it and saw that it was Frank the milkman, dropping off a few bottles of milk.
Johnny, now completely confident in the efficacy of his ruse, looked straight into the milkman’s eyes and said the magic words, “I know what you did, Frank. I know the truth.”
Frank immediately started sobbing and blurted out, “I’ve been waiting so long for this moment, Johnny; come jump in your father’s arms!”
***
While looking at a dinosaur fossil at museum, a man asks the scientist, “How old are these?”
The scientist replies, “60 million, 2 years, and 33 days.”
Impressed, the man asks how he can be so precise.
“Well, they were 60 million years old when I started working here, and I have been here for 2 years and 33 days.”
***
A farmer is selling a prestigious award-winning bull. A woman buys the bull for $5,000. but the bull dies just one week later. The farmer kindly offers to give the money back to the woman, but she declines. She explains, “Oh I held a raffle. It was $100 to enter to win a bull, and 100 people bought in, so I made $10,000” The man asks if people were upset because the bull died. “That’s the thing, only the winner was upset and I just refunded him his ticket.”
***
A boy walks up to his dad with great news: he’s fallen in love and going to ask out a girl.
“Who is it!” the dad asks excited. “Kate, the girl who lives next door.”
The father explains that he had an affair with the neighbor a long time ago, and he can’t date Kate because she is his sister…
The boy is crushed and won’t leave his room for days. His mother gets worried and goes to ask what is wrong. “I can’t date the girl I love because Dad says she’s my sister,” he says.
Happy she can solve the problem the mom says:
“Oh don’t worry darling! You can date anyone you want. He isn’t your father!”
***
Husband: Honey, why do you love me?
Wife: That’s an easy one. Because you’re funny.
Husband: Oh… I thought it was because I made you feel really good in bed.
Wife: OH MY GOD, SO DAMN FUNNY!
Being in denial must feel really good.
Especially if you’re gay and dyslexic.
Secret Service joke:
A rookie Secret Service agent hears a loud sound and screams, “Mickey Mouse!”
A team of agents run towards the sound.
The President turns to him and asks, “Mickey Mouse?”
The flustered agent says, “I panicked… I meant to say Donald, duck!”
Joke that makes you go hmmmm:
A domestic abuser, a suspected murderer and a racist walk out of work together.
The receptionist sees them and says, “Have a good night, officers”
Barbie and Some Random Guy: A Love Story
Margot, Robbie and some random guy were the only two who survived a plane crash and were now stuck on a deserted island together. She didn’t know who the guy was, but he obviously knew who she was.
Initially, their situation was extremely challenging. However, as time passed, the man learned to provide food and shelter, taking care of Margot. Eventually, she began to develop emotions for him, especially since he was so good at protecting and providing for her.
The man went to great lengths to improve their lives. He constructed a cabin, created a functional freshwater supply, and devised clever conveniences, all aimed at making Margot’s life easier. His efforts impressed her, and she also noticed how all the work he’s been doing had caused him to grow quite a bit of muscle.
One night, while defending Margot from a wildlife attack, our guy ended up sustaining a few injuries. Appreciatively, Margot started tending to his wounds, and that’s when their passion ignited, resulting in them making love all night. After this they were an inseparable couple with a thriving s*x life.
However, after a few months, the man started to distance himself, showing signs of inner turmoil. Recognizing the sudden change, Margot tried to ask him what was wrong. She was eager to do whatever it took to restore his happiness. She genuinely cared for him and believed it was the least she could do.
“What’s wrong?” Margot inquired. “Nothing,” the man would reply.
She continued to press him, assuring him that she was willing to do anything he desired, driven by her deep love for him. Even though he didn’t ask for it, she felt compelled to fulfill his wishes, not only because she loved him but she also felt like she owed him as he had saved her life countless times at that point.
“Really? You’ll do anything I want?” he asked.
“Yes,” she lovingly affirmed. “Absolutely anything!”
“Okay, first, I want you to take off that grass skirt and coconut bra and instead put on this pair of jeans and flannel that I found washing ashore.”
“Um… alright…” she hesitantly agreed.
“But first, please make your b00bs look flat with this duct tape.”
“What… okay, I said I would do anything, and I’m honoring my promise,” she replied with a loving smile on her face.
“Now, put this baseball cap on, but make sure to tuck your long beautiful hair underneath it so I won’t be able to see it.”
Margot followed his instructions, wanting nothing more than to make him happy, even though she was perplexed by his requests.
“Now, I’d like you to smudge some mud on your face to create a beard and mustache.”
“Umm… if that’s what you want…” she murmured.
“Now, please put on these sunglasses and start walking down the beach. I’ll catch up to you in a minute,” he said with excitement.
She began walking, filled with wonder, self-doubt, and confusion about the unfolding situation. Maybe it wasn’t her, maybe he was just more into gu… Before she was able to finish that thought, the man grabbed her shoulder, turned her around, and yelled, “Duuude! You won’t believe who I’ve been fu*king for like four months now!”
* * *
A friend of mine says it should always be “bros before hoes,” another friend says it should always be “hoes before bros.” Personally, I’m kind of in the middle, I believe there should be some kind of a homiehoestasis.
My date: Are you religious?
Me: Well, I’m an eightheist.
Date: Oh, you mean atheist?
Me: No, I’m an eighteist.
Date: Umm, “eighteist?”
Me: Yes.
Date: What…?
Me: I’m an eighteist. I only believe 0.125 of what’s written in the Bible.
Proof That Visiting a Brothel Can Be Funnier Than Expected
I visited a brothel for the first time last week. As I chatted with different workers to compare prices, I found one who offered a significant discount.
Curious, I asked her why she charged less. She explained, “I’m currently offering a discount because I’m in the process of relearning how to have s*x as I recently underwent gender affirmation surgery after being assigned male at birth. I’m seeking feedback on my performance.”
Intrigued, I took the opportunity and had an incredible experience with her. Before leaving, she handed me a survey to fill out.
The survey had only one question on it: “On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate your trans action?”
* * *
Kid of a gay couple: I love my dads, but I gotta say, hearing twice the amount of dad jokes is just way too much. A kid of a lesbian couple quickly responds: At least you don’t keep finding yourself trapped in an infinite loop of “Go ask your mom!”
My girl calls me her sixty-second lover. Do you guys think it’s a redflag she had sixty one failed relationships before me?
The Older the Smarter
An elderly couple, both in their 80s, paid a visit to a s*x therapist. The therapist warmly greeted them, saying, “You two make such a lovely couple. How can I assist you?”
The man responded, “Do you mind watching us have intercourse?” After a brief moment of contemplation, the therapist agreed, seeing no harm in the matter.
Once the couple finished their intimate session, the therapist gave them her evaluation, saying, “Your lovemaking was perfectly normal. No issues with either of your performances.” With a friendly smile, she charged them her regular $90 and wished them a pleasant day.
Surprisingly, the couple returned the next week, repeating the same routine. In fact, this continued every Wednesday for six weeks straight. Each time, they would arrive, engage in their intimate act in front of the therapist, pay the fee, and leave.
After the sixth visit, the therapist couldn’t contain her curiosity any longer. She asked, “Can I ask why you guys keep making appointments to see me? Especially since I never find anything to improve in your lovemaking habits.”
The old man replied, “Oh, we don’t need your help or anything.” Perplexed, the therapist inquired further, “Then why do you keep coming back?”
Without missing a beat, the old man started to explain, “Well, you see, we can’t do it at my place because my wife is there, and we can’t do it at her place because her husband is there. And even the cheapest hotels charge $150 a night, and motels charge $50. But coming here only costs me $90, and my insurance reimburses me $72.”
One day, a little old lady, about 85 years old, walks into an adult bookstore and shuffles up to the counter. With her whole body shaking, she stutteringly says, “Eh, eh, excuse me, b-but I’m a bit embarrassed…” The worker says, “No need to be embarrassed, human sexuality is a perfectly normal, natural thing. Trembling and whispering, she asks, “OKKKKKK, do- do- do you sell women’s…pleasure…aids here?” “Like, vibrators and dildos? Yes, ma’am, we sell all varieties.” ”An- an- and do- do you know a lot about them?” The worker looks at her quivering form and says, “Yes, ma’am, I do. What would you like to know?” To which she replies, “Thank God! Do- do- do- do you know how to turn them off?!”
***
A teenage boy asked his grandpa what the secret to a long life was.
The old man replied, “I don’t argue with idiots.”
“That makes no sense” the boy said. “I don’t think that’s connected to it at all.”
The old man just said, “Yeah, you are probably right.”
***
An italian guy and a Jewish guy are sitting at a party in New-York.
The Jewish guy says, “I can’t believe you’re from the same place as Hitler!” Offended, the man says, “What? That’s Germany.”
“Italy, Germany… Same thing,” the Jewish man responds.
After another beer, the Italian guy says, “I can’t believe your people sunk the Titanic!”
“What? They crashed into an iceberg,” the Jewish man says.
“Iceberg, Lindeberg, Sandberg – Same thing.”
***
My wife once found out I was cheating after seeing all the letters I was hiding.
That was 20 years ago, yet to this day she still refuses to play scrabble with me.
My girlfriend left me because of how insecure I am.
Oh, she’s back. Okay, she was just getting us some snacks.
Saving the Forest: A Bald Statement
An elderly man lived near a forest. Over the years, his hair gradually thinned until he was completely bald by the time of his final days. As he gathered his children for one last meeting before his death, he pointed to his bald head and said, “My hair, once luscious, is completely gone now. But look outside at the forest. It’s beautiful, full of marvelous trees. However, it too is destined to be as bare as my head.”
He continued, “And this is why I have one simple request for you all, which I hope you’ll honor. Whenever a tree dies or is cut down, plant a new one in my memory. Pass down this tradition to your children and grandchildren. Let it be our family’s mission to keep this forest thriving.”
And so they did. With each fallen tree, the children and their descendants replanted another, ensuring the forest’s vitality for generations. And to this day, that forest remains lush and vibrant, all thanks to one man’s reseeding heirline.
Now that’s what you call a family hairloom.
* * *
Free!
I like going from town to town offering free s*x to anyone who needs it. I work for a non-profit wh0reganization.
Rotisserie chickens that are too small:
A woman was looking through rotissere chickens at the market and felt like they were all too small for the dinner she had planned. She asked the worker, “Do these get any bigger?” The worker replied, “I believe they’re done growing.”
The Dangers of Coffee
I drank around 20 beers at the bar last night and came back home at 4 in the morning to find my wife sipping on a cup of coffee.
Once I stepped into the house, she started acting irrationally; I mean, she was absolutely insane! She threw a huge vase at me and screamed so loudly that she woke up the kids. Meanwhile, I remained completely calm and unshaken by her inexplicable actions. As a matter of fact, I simply walked into our bedroom, got into our bed, and fell into a deep sleep in no time, even though she was still screaming and crying. This led to our kids trying to calm her down. Gotta say, I’ve always loved how kind our children were.
So the moral of the story is this: Please don’t drink coffee. It’s a dangerous beverage, and consuming it can lead to unpredictable results. Conversely, I would recommend indulging in drinking as much beer as you can every day, as it seems to be very effective in keeping a person calm and collected.
* * *
My lovely wife: Sorry that I’m doing this through the phone, but I’m calling to tell you that our marriage is over.
Me: It’s okay, baby. You’re calling to tell me that our marriage is what though? Over.
Jessica’s Name: A St-St-St-Stunning Revelation
“What’s your name, sweetheart?” the kindergarten teacher asked one of her students.
The girl replied, “J-j-j-je-jes-jes-Jessica.”
“Aw, you should go see the school’s therapist after our class, Jessica. I’m sure she’ll help you with your stutter,” the teacher compassionately responded.
The girl added, “Oh, I don’t have a stutter. It’s just that my dad does, and the man who filled out my birth certificate was a real jerk.”
* * *
I asked my wife if she could describe me in five words. She said I’m patient, I’m precise, I’m practical, I’m moral, and she even got creative and said I’m potent, which I don’t even know what that means!
Finally, she also said that it’s surprising how a 40-year-old man such as myself still doesn’t understand how apostrophes and spaces work.
How to Be a Good Dad
A father walks up to his teenage daughter and says, “Honey, I have to tell you this: You’re adopted.”
The girl thinks for a moment, then responds, “Well, that’s okay, dad. You’re such an amazing parent: you never judge me and are always on my side, even though I’m constantly getting into trouble; even when you found out I was dating a boy that’s a lot older than me, you still didn’t get mad or anything. So it’s okay that I’m adopted, I still love you and you’ll always be my da-” The father interrupts her, “Oh no, my bad. I meant you’re getting adopted.”
* * *
GF: If you won’t stop pretending you’re Sherlock Holmes, then I think we should split up.
Me: Ah, that’s a great idea, my dear Watson. That way we’ll be able to quickly search more places!
***
I’m a very responsible adult.
For lunch I’m going to have a fruit salad, full of grapes.
In fact, it was all grapes.
Who am I fooling, It was wine.
***
When a Clean Joke for Adults Turns Into a Roast
My 6-year-old daughter walked up to me and asked, “Dad, what type of rabbit walks on two legs?”
I thought about it, then responded, “Hmm, I’m not sure.”
She replied, “Bugs Bunny!”
Chuckling, I said, “Oh wow, you’re right. You got me, sweetie!”
She then asked, “And what type of duck walks on two legs?”
“Uh-huh! I got you this time. It’s Daffy Duck!”
She quickly replied, “All ducks walk on two legs, you fu*king moron!”
