Wanna add more spice to conversations with your man? You’ve come to the right spot! (Women can’t always say that!) The following is the greatest collection of 100+ downright dirty jokes any girl can share with a male friend or boo and make them blush, giggle, or plain squirm.
So sit back and buckle up for some incredibly raunchy one-liners and cheeky puns that will leave you in stitches and raise your temperature. Guys enjoy their dirty jokes extra dirty, but please don’t read these out loud to your boss, minister or anyone in H.R.
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How do you make a lump of fat look attractive to men?
Stick a nipple on it
What does a receptionist at a sp*rm bank say as you’re leaving?
“Thanks for coming…” and “please come again!”
Why isn’t there a pregnant Barbie doll?
Because Ken *came* in a different box.
What’s six inches long, two inches wide, and almost always gets your girlfriend interested?
A hundred-dollar bill.
Wanna know the difference between a snowman and a snow-woman?
Snowballs!
Bird question: what’s the difference between a stork and a swallow?
One brings babies, the other prevents them.
I met an attractive mom at the bar who was 51 years old but was fun and open-minded. After a few drinks, she asked me if I would be interested in joining her for a Mother-Daughter adventure, to which I immediately agreed. We returned to her home. As she opened the door and turned on the lights, she shouted, “Mom, are you still awake?”
Wanna hear a joke about my pu$$y?
Actually, never mind, you won’t get it.
My grandma one day blurted out on a phone call to me: “I’m going to a s*x party tonight, do you think I need to bring anything with me?” After asking her a few questions, I clarified “Grandma, it’s called a gender reveal party”
I had to let the pool boy go… although my wife surely wasn’t happy about it. She quipped, “Is this because he is young and fit? Does he make you feel old and insecure?” I couldn’t buy her psychological BS and clarified straight away: “darling… we don’t even own a pool!”
What always happens when Snow White lies in her bed, feeling happy?
Happy eventually gets out, so she starts feeling Grumpy.
What do a pen*s and a submarine have in common?
Well, they’re both long. They’re both hard. And they’re both full of seamen.
With a big smile on her face, Emma ran home and told her mom about how she made $15 by simply climbing up a tree. Her mom responded, “Emma, they made you do that just so they could see your panties!” Emma replied, “I know, mom, I’m not dumb. That’s why I took them off!”
A husband asks his wife, “Why don’t you ever tell me when you’re having an org@sm?” She replies, “Because you don’t like me calling you when you’re at work.”
“Give it to me! Give it to me now!” I kept yelling. “I’m so wet, please give it to me!” But no matter how loud I screamed, he just wasn’t going to give me the umbrella.
What should you do if your girl starts smoking after s*x?
Slow down a bit, apply a cold wet towel, and maybe use some lube.
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Penguin joke:
A penguin’s car breaks down, so he takes it to the shop. The mechanic says it’ll take him about an hour to check it.
Realizing he has some time, the penguin walks to an ice cream shop and orders a big cup of vanilla. Obviously, eating ice cream can be really messy for anyone, but especially for a penguin, who has to use his flippers to handle the tiny spoon. Because of that, the penguin ends up covered with melted ice cream.
And so the penguin returns to the repair shop, the mechanic looks at him and says, “It looks like you blew a seal.” The penguin quickly replies, “No, it’s just ice cream!”
The teacher starts, “Okay class, today we’re going to learn about multisyllabic words. Does anybody have an example of a multisyllabic word?” Amanda quickly raises her hand, “Me, Miss Jones! Please, me, me!” Miss Jones says, “Alright, Amanda, what multisyllabic word do you have in mind?” Amanda says, “Mas-tur-bate.” Miss Jones smiles and says, “Wow, Amanda, that’s a mouthful.” Amanda replies, “No, Miss Jones, you’re thinking of a bl0w job.”
Two h00kers are ready to start their nights.
One of them smiles and says, “I can already tell this is gonna be a great night, I can smell d1*ck in the air!”
The other one looks at her and says, “No, no, I just burped.”
I met an attractive Spanish girl and pulled her hair during intercourse. I did it a bit too hard; she said her armpits hurt for days after.
What do you call that useless piece of skin on a pen*s?
A man.
***
Great dirty joke for guys: Stormy Daniels in heaven
The King of England and Stormy Daniels pass away on the same day, and an angel explains that there is only one space in heaven left for the day. The angel asks if there’s any reason Stormy Daniels should be let in over the King. “Other than me being a good person, these are some of god’s best work,” Stormy Daniels says while lifting her shirt and flashing the angel.
Quietly, the King chugs a whole bottle of gatorade, walks to the bathroom and comes back silently. The angel says “Sorry Stormy, the King takes it.” Enraged, Stormy Daniels asks why. “Because even up here, a Royal Flush beats a pair – no matter how big the pair is.”
***
I wonder what my mom and dad did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my 14 siblings and none of them knew either.
What does a Rubik’s Cube have in common with a pen*s?
The longer you play with it, the harder it gets.
***
The guy in the row behind
A guy went to a str*p club and noticed an empty seat in the front row. He took it. As the first dancer came out, the guy in the row behind him cheered a bit excessively. Irritated, he told him to calm down. When the dancer removed her top, the guy behind cheered again, even more obnoxiously! Exasperated, he tells him off again.
When the dancer finally stripped completely, the entire club applauded… except for the guy behind. Curious, the man in front asked him why. The guy behind replied, “It’s all over your back, dude.”
***
A father warns his son, “Don’t masturbate anymore, son! If you do it too much, you will go blind.” The son replies, “Dad, you’re talking to the lamp.”
“Mom, all the kids at school make fun of me for being a virgin,” the son says.
“Start giving them bad grades and they’ll quiet down!” she replies.
One day, two nuns are cleaning the church’s back offices. One nun tells the other “you won’t believe it, but two months ago, I found several condoms in the priest’s desk drawers”.
“So what did you do?” asks the other nun.
“Well, it’s a sin for a priest to use condoms, so I pierced all of them with a small needle.”
The other nun then feels her stomach and suddenly exclaims “holy f**ck!”.
Wanna give me an Australian kiss?
It’s like a French kiss but you go down under.
What do you call a nurse who has scraped knees?
The head nurse.
What did Pinocchio’s girlfriend say when he was going down on her?
“Lie to me! Lie to me!”
A little boy caught his mom and dad making love. After they finished, he runs up to his mom and asks, “What were you and daddy doing?” The mom says, “Umm… we were baking a cake!”
A few days later the little boy runs up to his mom again and asks, “Were you and dad preparing a cake again today?” The mom responds, “Oh, well yes, actually, how did you know?” The boy smiles and answers, “Because I licked the frosting off the pillows!”
What do you do when your cat dies?
You start playing with your neighbor’s pu$$y instead.
What did the horny frog say?
“Rubbit.”
What do you call a girl that has never mast*rbated?
A liar.
What’s the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping Tom?
A pickpocket snatches your watch, a peeping Tom watches your snatch.
What’s the scariest thing to a horny pirate?
A sunken chest and no b00ty.
For the joke/pun on the image below, you may want to know that a “double entendre” is a sentence that has two meanings, one of which is rude or dirty.
What do you call it when a lesbian c0*ck blocks another lesbian?
A beaver dam.
What’s the difference between a Greyhound bus terminal and a shrimp with big b00bs?
One is a crusty bus station, the other is a busty crustacean.
What do you call a fisherman with a lot of experience?
A master baiter.
Wanna know my favorite thing about gardening?
Getting down and dirty with my hoes.
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because none of them will stop and ask for directions.
I once had s3x while camping. It was really fu*king in tents.
What comes right after 69?
Listerine.
If a blind girl says you have a big member, she’s probably just pulling your leg.
A man wearing nothing except a hat on his crotch is lying on the beach. An older woman walks by him and coyly asks, “Isn’t a gentleman supposed to lift his hat when he sees a lady?”
The man replies, “Believe me, the hat would’ve lifted itself if you looked anything like a lady.”
What can a girl tell her boyfriend to make him feel both happy and sad at the same time?
“You have the biggest d**ck of all your friends.”
A mother is driving behind a garbage truck with her 6-year-old son in the backseat. All of a sudden a dildo flies out of the garbage trucks and hits the windshield of the car. The mother, wanting to spare her little boy’s innocence, quickly turns around and says, “Don’t worry, baby, it was just a bug.” Amazed, the boy replies, “Wow, I can’t believe it was able to get off the ground and fly with such a huge c*ck!”
I went to buy a Christmas tree. The guy asked, “So, are you gonna put it up yourself?” I was like, “No, you perv, it’s gonna go in the living room!”
What’s more romantic than roses on a piano?
Tulips on an organ.
I once found an origami porn channel. I couldn’t watch it though as it was paper view only.
What do procrastination and masturbation have in common?
They’re both a lot of fun until you remember that you’re only fu**king yourself.
Anyone who was born in September can be sure that their parents started their year with a bang.
Why was the guitar teacher arrested?
He was caught fingering a minor.
During a discussion about death at Church school, one of the nuns asks: “What do you think The Lord takes us by when we die?” Little Johnny quickly raises his hand and answers: “I think He takes us by our feet.” Intrigued, the nun replies, “That’s very interesting, Little Johnny. What makes you think that?” Little Johnny smiles at her and says, “Because last night I went into my parents’ bedroom and saw my mom’s feet in the air while she was yelling ‘Oh My God, I’m coming!’”
Why do polar bears love Tupperware bowls?
Because they love a tight seal.
I once saw a br0thel that was out of business.
The sign said, “We’re closed, so beat it!”
Wanna know how I embarrassed the arrogant archaeologist?
I gave him a used tampon and asked him which period it was from.
Who’s the most popular guy at the n*dist camp?
The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen bagels.
Related Post: Dirty Jokes for HER.
What’s the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist?
One looks up the family tree, the other looks up the family bush.
What does the d1ck say to the c0nd0m?
“Cover me, I’m going in.”
What should a man who’s trapped in a woman’s body do?
Pull out.
What’s the hiring process for Hooters?
It’s simple, they hand you a bra and say, “Please fill this out.”
Why does the Little Mermaid wear seashells?
Because she outgrew her B-shells.
What did the leper say to the pr0stitute after they finished?
“Keep the tip.”
What did Genie say to Aladdin?
If you rub me three times, I will come.
Why should a woman always go to an old gynecologist instead of a young one?
Because the old one has shaky hands.
What can a woman do to scare her gynecologist?
Become a ventriloquist.
What did the h0rny toaster say to the bread slice?
“I want you inside me right now.”
I’m sad… my chemist girlfriend doesn’t like to see my pen*s because it reminds her of work.
She needs to use a microscope.
I used to have a massive s*x drive. My boyfriend lived 57 miles away.
What do you call a virgin lying on a waterbed?
A cherry float.
Scientists have found that there are two things in the air that often cause women to get pregnant.
Their legs.
What’s the difference between k1nk and p*rversion?
K1nk is tickling a girl with a feather, p*rversion is using the whole bird.
*** Great Dirty Joke for a Man: Sins in Hell ***
A senator dies and goes to heaven, but St. Peter says he needs a day in hell first because of his lying in the senate. In hell, he’s greeted by the devil and two beautiful women who ply him with wine and pleasures. Thinking hell isn’t so bad, he asks the devil why. The devil says, “Hell is to enjoy a life of sins.” Enjoying himself, the politician wants to stay longer but is sent back to heaven at the end of the day.
In heaven, St. Peter describes heaven as serene and “holly”. The politician, tempted, asks to return to hell.
St Peter sighs but grants the man’s wish. The senator is sent back to hell. This time though, hell is too hot, too noisy and fire is burning everywhere. The attractive women are nowhere to be seen. Confused, he asks the devil why it’s different. The devil replies with a smile: “You see, yesterday, we were campaigning. But now you have already voted.”
Dirty Pick Up Lines That Are Sure to Turn Him ON
Here are some dirty pickup lines a girl can tell a guy. Just keep in mind that you’re definitely going to turn him on if you use any of these lines. Some of these are so obscene that we’d honestly be impressed if you actually decide to use them. Plus, you will find a few hilarious texts that could just be a bit too silly or awkward to tell in person.
How much did those pants cost you?
Cuz you can get them 100% off at my place.
I wish you were my little toe. Because then I would bang you on every piece of furniture I have.
How do you fit 71 people in a car? 2 in the front and we can 69 in the back.
What does my new girlfriend and a mosquito have in common?
They will both stock sucking if you slap them.
Are you claustrophobic?
Cuz I’ll be sitting on your face tonight.
In my mind, we’re gonna have s*x anyway, so you might as well be there when it happens.
Wanna go to In-N-Out for burgers or just In-N-Out of me?
I’m a mind reader. And yeah, fine, you can fu*k me.
Let’s play Titanic. I’ll be the iceberg while you go down.
Wow, that shirt is very becoming on you.
But then again, I would be too.
Dirty Jokes to Randomly Text a Guy Out of Nowhere
Here are a few humorous jokes that we think are best delivered through text. Why? Because some of them can be a bit awkward to tell in person or require the listener to take a moment to understand before sending those precious LOLs your way.
Jack and Jill ran up the hill
So Jack could eat her candy
But what a shock
He got a taste of c0ck
Cause Jill’s real name is Andy
A new study shows that 69 percent of people always find something dirty in anything you say.
Uncle Jack is stuck on the roof and needs help.
Do you think I should go help my uncle Jack off?
Beer bottle: “You break me, you get a year of bad luck!”
Mirror: “Pfft, break me and you’ll get seven years of bad luck!”
C0nd0m: *Walks out laughing*.
Dear NASA,
Your mom thought I was big enough.
Sincerely, Pluto.
Apparently, the Natural History Museum in London has a female dinosaur that paleontologists believe to have been a lesbian.
Its name is Lickalotopus.
I love you with all my a$$. I would say heart, but my a$$ is a lot bigger.
I’m not sure what you think of me, but I really hope it’s X-rated.
What’s long, hard yet bendable, and contains the letters P, E, N, I, and S?
Your spine.
