Here’s a large accumulation of the funniest and nastiest dirty jokes that you could ever imagine! We have rolled up our sleeves, dug into the trenches of hilarity, and emerged filthy but smiling from ear to ear. These jokes are so racy and so audacious, that they would make a sailor blush with shame.
As a bonus, we’ve included some of the funniest dirty memes as well for you to browse. Enjoy!
Best Dirty Jokes and Memes
Here’s a naughty Santa joke:
Do you know what they do at hooters when you show up for a job interview? They hand you a bra and say, “First, please fill this out, then take a seat”
What did Cinderella do when she reached the ball?
She gagged.
Dirty jokes to share with your friends
A young married couple faces financial struggles, unable to pay their mortgage. They discuss options and agree the woman will work as an esc0rt for a few weeks. She tells the first client that it’s going to be $200, but the client only has $80. She agrees to give him a B-J for that amount. When she sees he has a massive 9-inch tool, she tells him to wait right there, runs back to her house and asks her husband “do you have $120 I can borrow?”
What does the employee at the “sperm donation center” say to clients as they are leaving?
Thank you for coming here!
What does the same employee say to the next client?
Please come again!
*** Top-Rated Dirty Joke to Share: Wife Opening the Door in a Bathrobe ***
Bob rings the doorbell at the house of his friend Marc. Marc’s hot wife, Michelle, opens the door, with nothing but a bathrobe on, and tells Bob that Marc is still in the shower.
Bob looks at her, thinks long and hard and says: “If I give you $200, will you drop your bathrobe?
Shocked, Michelle responds “No!”
Bob tries again “ok, ok, sorry. What about $1,000?”
Michelle thinks about it, and finally says ok. She drops the bathrobe.
Bob has a long look and gives Michelle the $1,000 before leaving.
Michelle quickly put her robe back on. After a minute, her husband Marc comes out of the bathroom. She tells him that Bob was at the door but left.
Marc responds “oh yeah, he was going to stop by. Did he give you the $1,000 he owed me?”
***
Other hilarious dirty jokes
What’s the difference between your pen*s and lottery winnings?
You will always easily find someone to blow your lottery winnings.
A boyfriend and girlfriend go to bed and the boyfriend feels frisky. The girlfriend explains that she would like to have some fun, but she wants to be as fresh as possible for the gynecologist appointment in the morning. The boyfriend says he understands and then with a grin asks, “Your colonoscopy is not until next month, right?” 😲😲
Rapid-fire dirty memes (exclusives!)
What did the leper say to the prostit*te?
Keep the tip
After a night of drinking together, my wife told me she wanted to do something crazy and have s*x in the backseat of the car. I got excited until she asked if I could drive.
*** Top-Rated Dirty Joke: The Whales ****
A male whale and a female whale see a fishing boat. The male whale recognized the ship that caught his dad whale a year ago. He asks the female whale “let’s both get under the boat, blow air out of our air holes, and it might topple the ship.”
They go ahead and do it, with success: the fish boat sinks. However, the seamen from the boat manage to swim away, almost reaching shore. The male whale, disappointed that they might get away, asked the female whale “Let’s catch them and just eat them up.” But this time, the female whale doesn’t want to join in: “Look, I did the bl*w job just like you asked, but I really don’t want to swallow the seamen”.
***
One day after work, I walked in to find my wife and my secret lover sitting together on the couch.
Shocked, I exclaimed, “What’s happening?”
My wife responded, “Well… YOU tell me.”
I retorted, “It seems like you’re here with some complete stranger that I don’t know….”
My lover responded angrily: “Stranger? We’ve been sleeping together for months!”
So I turned to my wife, asking… “My god… is this really true??”
***
A teacher attempts to teach 3rd graders about the human body, so she shows a drawing of the male reproductive organ and asks the class what it is.
One of her students, Bobbie, answers: “I know. My father has two.”
Teacher: “Really? How does he have two?”
Bobbie: “The skinny one comes out when he is in the toilet. The fat one comes out to brush my nanny’s teeth.”
Life is like a pen*s: women can make it hard in an instant.
A worm crawls out of a pile of spaghetti and says: “Damn, that was one hell of a gang bang!”
A wife asks her husband: “How many women have you ever slept with?”
The husband responds: “One, two, three, four, you, five, six… six total”
Dirty memes about a spouse with an active past… (2 memes):
Did you know? A new study shows that 69% of people find something dirty in every paragraph that they read.
Love is like a broken machine… sometimes you need a good screw to fix it.
Husband: “Honey, what’s the difference between a Ferrari and an erect*on?”
Wife: “ok… what is it?”
Husband: “I don’t have a Ferrari right now”.
Want to hear a joke about my pen*s? Nevermind. It’s too long & you don’t have all day to admire the joke.
What did the blind gynecologist and a puppy have in common? They both have very wet noses.
What goes inside “hard and dry” but comes out “floppy and wet”?
A piece of chewing gum.
*** Epic Dirty Joke: Sir Lancelot’s Healing Powers ***
Sir Lancelot lived in a kingdom where the queen had very large bre@sts. One day, he shared his deep desire to fondle the queen’s precious jewels with the queen’s servant, Sir Wallace. Sir Wallace mentions that he might have a solution, for 100 gold coins. Sir Lancelot quickly accepts the offer.
The next day, Sir Wallace discreetly adds itchy powder to the queen’s bra before she gets dressed. A few minutes later, the queen starts to feel an uncontrollable itch. Sir Wallace offers the perfect remedy: one of the knights, Sir Lancelot, has saliva with incredible healing power. Sir Lancelot needs to kiss and lick the queen’s bre@st for an hour for instant relief. Desperate, the queen accepts, and Sir Lancelot gets to work. After an hour, the queen feels much better and profusely thanks everyone.
However, Sir Lancelot refuses to pay the 100 gold coins. Furious, the next day, Sir Wallace slips a large quantity of the itching powder in the King’s underwear (making sure both the front and back of the underwear are covered). In the morning, the King immediately summons Sir Wallace for help.
***
If you like this page, you will also love our most offensive & messed-up jokes.
How do you make fun of an archaeologist? Show him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
What could you call someone who claims that they don’t m@sturbate?
A big liar.
Why is masturb@tion just like procrastination? It’s all good until you realize you’re only screwing yourself.
What’s the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom? One snatches your watch. The other watches your snatch.
Why are the saggy b00bs angry? Because they never get any support from anything.
If you like this page, you will also love 30 Kinky Memes That Will Make You Laugh
What do clowns get turned on by? Balloon blow-up dolls.
What do a pen*s and a Rubik’s Cube have in common? The more you play with it, the harder it gets.
Do you know why it takes around 200 million sperm cells to fertilize just one egg? It’s because they won’t stop to ask for directions.
What do you do if your wife suddenly starts smoking after s*x?
Pull out, put a cold wet towel on her to give her a chance to cool down.
How do you make your girlfriend or wife scream when you are having intercourse?
Call her and let her listen to it.
Where is the cucumber going to go? It depends if a woman is horny or hungry.
*** Epic Dirty Joke: Lover Hidden in Dark Closet (It’s Really Dark in Here) ***
Unaware that her daughter is hiding in the bedroom closet, a mom brings a lover to her bedroom while her husband is at work. Her husband arrives home unexpectedly, forcing her to quickly hide her lover in the same bedroom closet where her daughter was already hiding.
The little girl whispers, “It’s really dark in here” The man nods. She adds: “Look at my doll”. The man unenthusiastically looks at the doll. The girl then says, “My dad is just outside. Wanna buy my doll?” The man says, “Fine, I’ll buy your doll if you keep quiet. How much?” Taking advantage, the girl replies with a big smile: “$100” and the man has no choice but to pay.
Weeks later, the same thing happens. The little girl says again: “It’s really dark in here”, followed by the same “Wanna buy another doll?” The man declines until the girl hints that she might reveal their secret. The man hastily asks, “How much?” “$250” says the girl, with an even bigger smile.
Days later, the dad is playing with his daughter but notices some dolls are missing. The girl proudly says she sold her dolls to a friend for $350. “It’s not fair to take advantage of your friends,” the dad says. “It’s almost as bad as ‘stealing’. You’ll confess on Sunday when we go to church.” On Sunday, the girl heads to the confessional booth.
“It’s really dark in here,” the girl says.
The priest responds, “oooh… don’t get this started again.”
***
More Funny (and Short) Dirty Jokes
What did the apple say to the vibrator? I should be the one shaking and trembling – she is going to bite me!
Why did the sp*rm cross the road? Because I put on the wrong sock this morning.
What did the elephant say to the man coming out of the river completely undressed? How do you breathe with that tiny little thing between your legs?
How did you quit smoking?
I decided to smoke only after making love.
The three shortest words in English:
Is it in?
What do you call a useless piece of skin on a penis? A man.
Related posts: dirty jokes for her and dirty jokes for him.
*** Epic Dirty Joke: Pregnant Daughter Confides to Mom ***
The 19-year-old daughter of a French woman confides in her mom that she has a positive pregnancy test. The mom panics and demands to meet the father. A few hours later, her daughter’s boyfriend arrives in a shiny Mercedes, wearing a luxurious Christian Dior suit.
He joins the mom and the daughter and reassures them: “Do not worry. While I cannot raise this child, I fully commit to supporting you financially. I will give you $2 million dollars and one of my mansions.” The mom, pleasantly surprised, warms up to the idea.
She asks “What if they are twins?”. The man responds “If they are twins, you will get $4 million, and 2 mansions”. Very interested, the mom now asks: “What if the pregnancy fails?” The man hesitates. He asks, “What do you think I should do if that happens?”
The mom gets closer to the man and whispers in his ears: “You f*ck her again!!!”
Dirty Knock-Knock Jokes for Adults
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
(teasing voice) Who would you like it to be?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Dewey!
Dewey who?
Dewey see a condom? It’s dark in here!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Dill.
Dill who?
Dill Dough! We were just together last night!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Pat.
Pat who?
Pat Myas, if you want. I don’t mind.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Phil
Phil who?
Phil Deez Nuts
*** Epic Dirty Joke: Twins on the Couch ***
The other day I went to visit my friend, who’d recently broken his leg, at his house. When I arrived, I met his two older, beautiful twin sisters at the door. I went upstairs to see my friend and after talking for a bit, he asked me to get his socks from the laundry room downstairs. On my way down, I noticed his twin sisters sitting on the couch. Trying to have a laugh, I sat down next to his sisters and told them, “Your brother asked me to come down here and make love with both of you.”
“No way,” one twin said.
“Prove it!” the other demanded.
I yelled back upstairs, “Hey buddy, did you mean both of them?”
“Of course both!” he emphatically replied. “What’s the use in f*cking one?”
***
More dirty or naughty jokes
It’s a sunny day at the pond. What does the frog say today? “Rub it”.
“I wish you were a door so I could bang you all day.”
What’s the difference between sin and shame? It is a sin to put it inside, but it’s really a shame to pull it out once you’ve started. Ask god if shame cancels out a sin.
An elderly couple, who were both widowed, met and started to date for several weeks. Urged on by their friends and family, they decided that they should get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation about their upcoming marriage including finances, living arrangements and so forth….
Finally, the old man decided to ask about their physical relationship.
‘What are your feelings about sex?’ he asked timidly.
‘I prefer to have it infrequently‘ she replied.
The old man sat quietly for a moment, leaned over and whispered – ‘Is that one word, or two?’
What is going to happen after a good 69? Mouth wash.
Asking your geek male friend:
A night owl and a chicken had a child together? They quickly regretted it: it was a c*ck that stayed awake all night.
A boyfriend got caught m@sturbating to an optical illusion. He said “It is not what it looks like!”
I have an impressive s*x drive. I once drove 120 miles to meet a Tinder date.
What do you get when you jingle Santa’s balls? A white Christmas!
*** Epic dirty joke: the magic hotel room with benefits ***
A man books a hotel room while traveling for business. He asks for a room with a king bed, and he’s given the keys to a nice room on the 21st floor. Exhausted from the long day, he immediately falls asleep on the bed.
Around 2am, he is woken up by 3 beautiful girls coming into his bed. Confused and happy, he sleeps with them. They are gone before he wakes up, and he can’t believe what happened. He sees a week later that his card was never charged for the stay. Three months later, he’s coming into town again for a conference and decides to try the hotel again. He requests a king bed on the 21st floor and goes up and settles in. Just like the first time, the 3 girls come into the room at 2am and the man has the best night of his life.
The next day, he can’t keep the juicy story from his boss while at dinner. He explains the 21st floor and how he hasn’t even been charged for the night. The boss decides he has to try it for himself and goes to the hotel the next night. The same thing as always happens, and the boss is thrilled. In the morning, he tries to pay for the room in cash at the front desk. “No worries, sir, you’ll actually be paid for your stay” the receptionist says. “$200 for booking with us on the 21st floor. People always love new faces in our X-rated movies.”
*** A few funny dirty pickup lines ***
Do you like area rugs? Because I have a good shag for you at my place.
Is your name winter? Because you’ll be coming soon.
My mom thinks I’m gay, can anybody help me prove that she is wrong?
You have a nice butt, but I think it would be nicer if it was on my lap.
Is that a mirror in your pocket? Cause I can see myself in your pants!
Which is easier? Getting into those tight pants or getting you out of them?
Are you a sea lion? Because I want to sea you laying in my bed later!
Please tell your boobs to stop staring at me. Do it now.
They say that kissing is a love language. Do you want to start a conversation to find out if it’s true?
Did you know that our human bodies are made of 55% water? Can I buy you another drink here or do you just want water at my place?
You are like an elevator: I would love going up and down with you all night long.
***
In conclusion: even more funny dirty jokes
Related post: dirty jokes for her.
To women… snowstorms are a little bit like getting a man in bed, if you think about it. They can never really tell how long it will last and how many inches they will get.
What do m@sturbation and procrastination have in common? With both, you are really just screwing yourself.
*** Last Epic Dirty Joke: Mistake from the Past ***
A man is working out at the gym when he sees a pretty woman waving at him. “Hi, do I know you?” he asks.
“I believe you are the father of one of my kids” she says.
He immediately panics, thinking of one vacation to California where he had an affair 8 years ago. “No way! Are you the woman that I slept with all night on the boat docks after we took all these drugs on the beach??!”
Confused, she says, “No, I’m your daughter’s teacher.”
***The dirty professor***
An old professor enjoyed to begin each lecture with a dirty joke. One day, after telling a crude off-color joke, the female students all decided the next time he tells a dirty joke, they will all walk out of the class together.
The professor somehow found out their plan and the next day he said: “Good morning! Have you all heard about the shortage of whores in China?”
At that moment, every female student stood up and headed out the door.
The professor continued without missing a beat: “Hold on ladies, just wait, the boat to China doesn’t leave for another 12 hours!”
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Why is it that when a woman sleep with a lot of men, she is called a sl*t.
However, when a man does the same thing, he is called a homosexu@l. Seems like a double standard.
What’s the difference between a h00ker and a drug dealer?
The h00ker can just wash her crack and re-sell it.
My fiancée just called me a pedophile. I told her that was a pretty big word for an eleven year old.
